Successful son fails at relationship with mom

DEAR AMY » My adult son is successful in a demanding field. We have had a close, loving relationship for all of his life until recently.

He finds fault with little things. This leads to a lecture on my “bad behavior,” sending hurtful texts, and with the latest outburst, a complete breaking off of our relationship.

He and his wife are having their first child. I traveled to their home in another state for a pre-baby visit.

Prior to my arrival, my son called to say he was in a tough emotional spot and to ask that I be aware of it. I was extremely careful. However, during a conversation, I commented I was happy the name they chose for the baby was one I once suggested. The response was an immediate and vicious attack, where he accused me of being “narcissistic” and “kicking him when he’s down.”

I was shocked and hurt. I packed my things, said goodbye and left.

He first sent me a text apologizing, but later sent an angry, hurtful message that cuts me out of his life.

His wife, with whom I have always had a good relationship, remained silent.

Amy, I do not know how to process my pain. His late father was an angry, emotionally and verbally abusive man, and I see the same traits in my son.

I have a chronic illness that for the most part is under control, but now I am unable to eat, sleep or stop crying. I am now worried about my health. What should I do? — Heartbroken DEAR HEARTBROKEN » You must protect your health.

Your son said he is in a “tough emotional spot.” What does he mean? His behavior might indicate he is struggling through mental health challenges.

If your son is volatile toward you, you can imagine how powerless his wife might feel. Don’t expect her to intervene.

You need professional guidance, and your son does, too. For now, try not to catastrophize this encounter, or look too far into the future. Manage your current crisis with a therapist; accept and process your own grief in stages. Also urge your son to get therapeutic help. Understand that you can lead him toward insight, but you cannot make him participate in the process.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ amydickinson.com.