Friend wants her bestie to give up the ghost

DEAR AMY » My best friend “Maria,” who I’ve known since high school, has ghosted me three times within the last four years. Maria is like a sister to me. She is the godmother to my kids, as I am to hers.

When we reconnect after her silence (which lasts months), it is because I initiate it. She apologizes and tells me that she loves me and misses me. She has explained that she was just going through things with her boyfriend and didn’t want to discuss it and therefore doesn’t return calls/messages.

Maria and I have always confided in each other, but I’ve told her that if there is something that she doesn’t want to discuss, that we don’t have to. But she keeps on dumping me, Amy. She acts like nothing has changed in our relationship. I cannot continue the friendship like that.

To be honest, I think there is something more than her having issues with her boyfriend, but she doesn’t want to tell me.

About nine months ago, I called and left two messages, letting her know that I would like us to meet so that we can discuss our friendship. She never called back.

She has broken my heart. I’ve been sad, angry, mad — and I feel abandoned.

I will not be contacting her again and at this point I don’t know if I want her contacting me either (she may never, anyway). I miss her and my goddaughter, and I think about her all the time. How can I get past this? — Many Times Ghosted DEAR GHOSTED » “Maria” may be involved in an abusive relationship that is isolating her from her other friendships. Sometimes, an abusive partner will deliberately isolate someone from family and friends; other times the abused person self-isolates out of embarrassment. This is only a theory, mind you, but according to you, Maria has hinted that there is something deep going on.

The other possibility is that Maria simply doesn’t value the friendship as much as you do. This doesn’t invalidate your history together, but it does change your future.

The only thing I suggest you should do differently is to try to change your own perspective on this relationship, and to give what you want to give without the expectation that you will receive an equal amount (or, perhaps anything) in return. Expressing your own generosity can feel good, if you detach from the idea of reciprocation.

DEAR AMY » I am pregnant with my first child — a boy. For personal, wellconsidered and well-researched reasons, we have decided not to circumcise our child.

My husband and I quietly made this decision together, and expected the choice to stay there. Then my mother, a first-time grandmother, asked me outright what we planned to do regarding circumcision.

I told her we would abstain. She strongly recommended that I reconsider.

The following day, we received a text message from my parents outlining the reasons they thought we were making a horrendous decision. They begged us to circumcise the child.

I was furious at what I consider to be overstepping a boundary.

My husband and I made an informed choice, and we intend to stick by it.

I know this will leave my parents fuming.

How do I politely explain this, while also implying that I need them to keep their nose out of our intimate decisions?

I foresee boundary-crossing regarding childrearing becoming an issue in the future, if not addressed directly now.

— Furious First-Time Mom DEAR FURIOUS » This does not require a response from you. Your folks had their say. Other than a brief: “message received,” you will, of course, rethink any intimate information you are asked to share with them in the future.

If they choose to bring this up again, you should tell them, “Mom, Dad; I love you. You are interfering with our choices as parents. Please don’t do this again.” There is a high likelihood that you will face this interference in the future; training yourselves and your parents should start now. It will be ongoing.

DEAR AMY » “Frugal Older Sister” wondered if she could/should purchase a dryer for her financially irresponsible younger sister.

I, too, have a younger sister who struggles financially while my husband and I enjoy a well-funded retirement. My solution would be to tell my sister that I’m buying a new dryer, and she is welcome to my (not very) old one. It’s an ego-free win-win for both parties.

— Sister Susan DEAR SUSAN » I like this. Thank you.

DEAR AMY » I was a stay-athome mom with three children. I lived comfortably, and my husband always took care of the finances.

We were members of a nice church where we’d tithe 15 percent of our income and donate large sums on top of that. I agreed with my husband and our pastor that this was important.

Well, my husband blew through our money, cheated on me with a much younger woman and then left me and the children.

I reached out to the church for help, but am now receiving the cold shoulder. No sympathy, no kindness — nothing. I’ve heard whispers from former friends that I’m a cheapskate because I can no longer afford to tithe large sums.

These people were my friends. A couple of the congregants are my son and daughters’ godparents, and now they are treating me like dirt, because not only am I a single mother in the midst of a divorce, but I can’t shell out money the way we used to because I need to feed my kids and pay insurance on my old car.

I took a job as a cleaning lady to make ends meet. I even had to move back in with my mother after all of this.

This is breaking my heart, because I really love this church, but I don’t understand this cruelty. In the meantime, my husband and his new fiancee are still members there, and they welcome him with open arms.

I am at a loss as to what to do here. Can you offer any guidance?

— Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN » You need to find a new church. Everything you report is a reflection of how institutions run, but not how spiritual communities should ideally operate. People should not be stigmatized when their circumstances change. And people who are needy, and hurting, should find solace, assistance and recognition of their struggles in their spiritual home.

All of those generous donations over the years were not intended as a down payment for a time when you might need payback, but your very presence should be enough for you to receive emotional, spiritual and perhaps even financial support when you’ve needed it the most.

None of this should have any bearing on your faith. Surely your faith in people has taken a hit, but it was ever thus. Humanity — with all of its flaws, has a way of interfering with the work of the divine, however you define it. Simply put: People — sometimes, we’re the worst.

People should not be stigmatized when their circumstances change. And people who are needy, and hurting, should find solace, assistance and recognition of their struggles in their spiritual home.