Wife hates husband’s secret lingerie habit

DEAR AMY » I have been married almost 15 years to a man I first knew in high school. I first became aware of his problem several years ago, when I found a bra hanging in our laundry room that was not my size. Finally, my husband confessed he’d bought it for himself. He said it was a one-time occurrence.

After he returned from a business trip, I found more women’s lingerie. He assured me this would not occur again. Then, I found a white gown and panties in his backpack in the trunk of his car. Yes, I was snooping, because I remained suspicious.

He wrote me an email telling me he was fascinated with female lingerie. I decided that he had a fetish, and sought marital counseling. He attended, but he didn’t think it helped. I told him then that if he had to make these purchases I did not want to ever know about them, and I’d better not ever find evidence.

Last week I discovered two emails on his phone (yes, I was snooping again) where he has ordered almost $1,000 of lingerie AND women’s clothing.

He also has a secret post office box where these shipments are delivered.

I sent him a letter to the P.O. box asking him WHY he has it, and WHY he was buying women’s clothing.

So far, he hasn’t acknowledged the letter.

Our relationship has suffered because I feel betrayed. I do not feel loved, respected or cared for.

I think I still love him, but this behavior disgusts me (maybe it shouldn’t). Your advice? — Confused Wife DEAR WIFE » You have demanded that your husband must not disclose anything about this fetish to you. You have also demanded that you must never find any evidence of it.

He seems to have gone to great lengths to keep this a secret, as you insist he must.

So why do you keep snooping? If you don’t want to be confronted by something, then don’t look for it.

Cross-dressing (or perhaps only purchasing women’s clothing) is obviously a very important part of your husband’s life. It is shocking to me that your therapist didn’t help you to talk about this during your sessions. The way you two communicate — via email and now postal letter — is passive and one-sided. You both seem to basically throw down and then run away.

Instead of insisting that your husband stop doing something that he won’t stop doing, you might seek to understand it by discussing it with him, suspending your disgust and judgment until you feel you understand this impulse.

You say you feel unloved and betrayed, but I can imagine that your husband might feel this way, too.

DEAR AMY » My boyfriend and I are pretty young, and we have been dating for three years. His family has picked petty arguments with me in the past. A year ago, I posted a photo on social media of me in a bathing suit that some assumed was my underwear. My boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend, “Katie,” reached out to me through social media to tell me that the photo was disrespectful to my relationship.

Some somewhat vicious messages went back and forth between us until I blocked her.

It’s been one year, and at gatherings I refuse to speak to her, even though she once tried to speak to me. Katie is a 30-yearold woman who decided to poke her nose into my relationship, though she posts plenty of swimsuit wear and has a history of cheating.

My boyfriend wants us to make up. Am I wrong to ignore her? Even if she were to offer me an apology at this point, I’m so angry I don’t want her involved in any part of my life.

— Silent DEAR SILENT » If you want for things to continue as they are — with you being furious for over a year and playing the victim — then by all means, keep doing what you’re doing. If you want for things to change, then you should start behaving differently, and agree to listen when someone attempts to talk to you.

DEAR AMY » “Don’t Like Dirty Laundry” was a woman whose middle-age “macho” boyfriend had never done his own laundry!

Well, my dear husband of many decades never did a load of laundry in his life. But he did so many other things! He died four years ago, and I’d give anything to wash his clothes again.

— Missing Him DEAR MISSING » These simple acts hold so much power in our memories. My condolences.

DEAR AMY » Iama 60-year-old woman, out of the dating scene for many years.

I met a wonderful man on an online dating site.

We spoke for a couple of weeks, and then met for dinner.

He lives two hours away, so I got a hotel room nearby him for the night.

He picked me up in a brand-new Corvette and took me to dinner at a wonderful restaurant on the water. We had a great time. He took me back to my hotel, where we sat by the pool and talked some more.

I really felt there was a mutual connection. He was absolutely wonderful. Finally, after five hours and some kissing and hugging, he said he had to leave or something was going to happen that we both might regret later. He said he wanted to see me again.

He texted me when he got home, texted me the next morning and then called me that evening. We talked some more. Our work schedules are completely opposite — he works days, and I work nights. We have opposite days off.

I asked about our schedules, and he replied, “Let’s give this some thought, and I will call you in a couple of days.”

Well, Amy, it has been five days and I have not heard from him. What do I do? Should I wait, or should I text or call him? — Anxiously Waiting

DEAR WAITING » The most likely scenario is that Mr. Corvette is using the matching site to meet other women, and you should do the same to meet other men.

The biggest difference between dating now and dating when you and I were young is the speed with which people cycle through meetings, dating and (sometimes) relationships. The dating dynamic (the butterflies of connection, the swoon of meeting, the uncertainty of waiting for that call) may feel familiar, but the rules now are governed not by convention, but by what people want. And the whole question of “what people want” can be surprisingly complicated.

When I was a younger — but still over-the-hill — dater, I considered online matching to be a tool enabling me to simply meet a larger number of people than I otherwise would. Early on, I think I realized I would not meet my “Mr. Forever” in this way, but the experience was a great way to practice-date.

Generally, I don’t think you should invest in traveling and a hotel room for a first-time meeting. If you want to see him again, go ahead and say so. Assume that he is seeing other people, and always practice safe sex. Pregnancy may not be a probability, but STDs are.

DEAR AMY » In your answer to “Wants Romance,” you suggested that this romance-starved wife should read the book, “The Five Love Languages.” I agree with your recommendation, but feel you misunderstood its basic message. Wanting Romance should learn her husband’s love language (acts of service), and communicate to him in his language, not her own (receiving gifts).

— Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE » Yes! Understanding your partner’s language is the first step, and then communicating to them in their language (not your own) is the message of this popular book.