Baby’s uncertain parentage affects relationships

DEAR AMY » My brother’s girlfriend is several months pregnant. She told him that it might be his or one other man’s baby. There’s no way to tell who the father is, until after the baby is born.

What do I tell my 9-year-old daughter? I don’t want my daughter to get excited about a new cousin, and then have to let her down.

If it’s my brother’s baby, I’d love to throw his girlfriend a baby shower and come to the hospital after the baby is born to see the baby. If it’s not my brother’s baby, I’m guessing that my brother and his girlfriend will break up, but I don’t know that for sure. I don’t have a very strong relationship with his girlfriend, but I want to be in this baby’s life if it’s my niece or nephew and I know that this will depend on the girlfriend’s willingness to allow this.

Please help me navigate this. It’s not exactly something covered in etiquette books.

— Maybe Auntie DEAR MAYBE » This is a tough situation, to be sure. But what would happen if you just decided to love everyone anyway, regardless of the outcome?

You should be a supportive and positive presence to everyone involved. You are already a parent, and so you have a lot to offer. Talk to your brother about what involvement he would prefer, but — you should offer to welcome this baby into the world regardless of its DNA. Host a shower, pass along your favorite parenting advice books and let your own child get excited about a new family member. Depending on what happens after the child’s birth, you should roll with it — or be willing to roll with it, based on the parents’ comfort, and depending on what they want.

The thing about babies is that they arrive, regardless of the complications in their parents’ or other adults’ lives. It is better for this baby to arrive into an open-hearted and loving family, versus one that is waiting on testing to determine whether they will love it. And so be brave enough to go ahead and love this baby, knowing that you may at some point lose access to the child. If this couple ultimately parts company, you can explain things to your daughter, holding no regrets over your own actions.

DEAR AMY » If a romantic relationship is emotionally draining, is this a sign of toxicity?

Or are all romantic relationships like this, to an extent?

My girlfriend and I have been together exclusively for four years, but she is my first girlfriend so I don’t have much to compare our relationship to.

Everyone says that “relationships are hard work,” but should I feel like it’s an emotional roller-coaster?

— Drained and Wondering DEAR DRAINED » Here are some life-events that can be emotionally draining on a day-to-day basis: Raising an autistic child, losing a loved-one to dementia or caring for someone at the end of life.

Being in a romantic relationship should NOT be emotionally draining.

Yes, staying in an exclusive relationship can be hard work, certainly if you are currently experiencing other events or stressors that deplete you. But the relationship itself should not send you on a daily roller-coaster ride.

The romantic relationship should feed you. The relationship should be your soft place, your refuge and that safe and comforting thing that helps to fulfill you during those times when the world seems particularly crushing.

Even healthy and wellbalanced relationships hit snags. But some people seem to enjoy relationship drama. For someone who likes drama, life might feel more vital when they are riding the relationship roller-coaster. Others don’t seem to know how to act in a way that is generous and loving toward their partner.

I suspect that if you ever left this relationship and subsequently found yourself with someone who was a better fit for your temperament, you would feel like that roller coaster you’d been riding had finally leveled out. You would feel like you were coming home.

DEAR AMY » “Desperate” wondered what to do about the 10-yearold stepson she “couldn’t bear” to be around.

My heart broke. I was once that confused and disruptive stepchild forced into a family with a stepparent who didn’t like me. It was awful. I’m still trying to recover.

Thank you for telling this woman that the child deserves better. I did, too.

— Healing DEAR HEALING » I’m so sorry you were robbed of a healthy childhood. Yes, you deserved better — every child does.