Upcoming wedding unveils family estrangement

DEAR AMY » My fiancé and I are currently planning our wedding.

Unfortunately, my fiancé’s mother and one of his brothers had a bad argument over a year ago, and have not spoken to each other since. My soon-to-be mother-inlaw attempted to call her son and his wife, but they have said they will not reestablish contact until she issues a very specific sort of apology.

Though she has apologized, it was not in the way he wanted, so the stalemate stands. He has not offered any kind of apology himself.

I had hoped that my fiancé’s brother would put aside his anger for a day and come to our wedding. However, he has said that he will not, unless his mother issues the sort of apology he requested. I’m outraged on my fiancé’s behalf, but I don’t know how involved I should get. I have a good relationship with my fiancé’s mother, and I’ve met his brother and his family. I can’t believe his behavior.

My fiancé and I discussed how to help resolve this, but there did not seem to be a good solution. I know everyone involved is an adult and can make their own choices. I am just wondering if I should intervene more directly, and if so, how.

— Discouraged DEAR DISCOURAGED » Send a wedding invitation to your fiance’s brother and his family. Do not call, write, enlist others to advocate, cajole or beg them to attend. If they choose not to attend, your fiancé should express his profound disappointment to his brother.

Do not pressure your future mother-in-law to give in to what (from your account) appears to be bullying behavior, but do encourage her to resolve it in whatever way will cause her the least amount of stress.

This man’s dispute with his mother is ultimately theirs to handle. Surely you both resent his brother’s willingness to let his demands take precedence over your own desires for a unified family on your wedding day. A natural consequence of his behavior will be the unfortunate deepening of a rift, but you should do your best to maintain a neutral attitude toward all parties.

Temporary rifts can become long-standing estrangements that split families apart, and that is truly tragic.

DEAR AMY » My boyfriend was laid off several months ago. It has been a struggle to support us with just my income. Recently, he had a job interview with a local familyowned business.

As it turns out, the office manager there is an ex-girlfriend of his. They dated for several years and things ended amicably. I told him it would make me uncomfortable having him working with her every day, but ultimately it was up to him.

I know I should trust him to keep things platonic, but I am still apprehensive.

He wants to accept the job. We need the money, but I fear this new dynamic has the potential to ignite old feelings between them and things could turn unprofessional.

What do you think? Am I wrong for feeling this way?

— Worried DEAR WORRIED » People often ask me if they are “wrong” for feeling a certain way.

Feelings are feelings. Feelings aren’t necessarily right or wrong — they just ... are.

You have these feelings. They are real. And now you need to deal with them.

Many people work with their exes, quite successfully — or at least cordially. Proximity to one’s ex most often reminds both parties why they parted.

You should be aware that you or your guy could meet absolutely anyone at your respective workplaces, and choose to have an “unprofessional” relationship with that person. This doesn’t happen in secure relationships between mature people who know how to create and maintain appropriate boundaries.

Your guy should take this job, because he needs the work.

You need to be honest with him concerning your insecurities about this. He should be transparent regarding contact with his ex. You might feel better about this situation if you met her and got to know her. Any off-worksite contact between your boyfriend and his ex (such as social gatherings) should also include you.

DEAR AMY » Oh, that letter from “WTF!” He complained because his wife was grieving for her exhusband after his sudden death. The whole time I was reading it, I was worried you would go too easy on him.

Thank you for calling him out for being the jerk he is!

— Grateful DEAR GRATEFUL » The large volume of responses regarding this question reveals a fairly rare consensus: This dude is a jerk.