Man’s mother bullies him over his weight

DEAR AMY >> OK. Long story short: I’m 47, gay and single. I’ve spent the last eight years living away from my family of origin.

I recently moved back to my home state, although I live about two hours away from my family. My problem is my widowed mother, who’s 77. We haven’t had the best relationship lately because she refuses to recognize boundaries.

The biggest issue is my weight. I’m overweight, and I know it.

Every time I see her she tells me how fat I am, and that I shouldn’t be eating the dessert she made, even though I’ve asked her many times not to comment on my weight.

She’s planning on visiting me soon, and I know the first thing she’ll say to me is how fat I am and how she’s just concerned about my health. If I object, she declares me to be too sensitive.

I get it. I know I’m fat, but I’m just tired of hearing it from her. I’ve told her many times I don’t appreciate this.

I get the feeling that she doesn’t really care about my health; she’s just embarrassed to be seen with me. (And really, I’m not obese, or even that fat. I have some belly fat, like many men my age.)

If she disparages my weight when she visits, my inclination is to say, “I’m done” and walk away. Then she’ll blame me for abandoning her. But I’m done with the insults. I can’t put up with her abuse anymore. Do you have any advice for enduring what is likely to be an unpleasant visit?

— Not So Fat DEAR NOT SO FAT >> It’s quite challenging to declare, “I’m done” and then walk away — when the person you’re walking away from is actually visiting your home. Rethink this reaction during your mother’s visit, but definitely put the possibility of walking away into your reaction basket for another time.

If your mother starts criticizing your body while she’s with you, you should make eye contact and say to her, “Mother, no. This is not open for discussion. I won’t talk about your body and you won’t talk about mine. Do you understand that?”

She will likely sputter, and attempt to explain her reasoning, but you will have said your piece, and you shouldn’t respond further. Just stay silent, keep your body language neutral and simply wait for her to stop.

After that, if your mother doesn’t get the message and you find it so intolerable or bullying that you believe it’s worth severing your relationship with her, you can commence your plan to walk away. I hope it won’t come to that, and that you two figure out how to communicate differently.

DEAR AMY >> No thanks to the internet, the price of a daily newspaper in my area has risen sharply over the years, but I’m strictly an “old school” coffee-and-newspaper-atbreakfast type.

I bring the paper to work every day and do the crossword puzzle in the break room before clocking in.

There’s a guy who’s been there longer than me, and earns more money. He inevitably asks to see the sports page, but has never offered to even buy me coffee.

Last week I suggested we go halfsies on the paper, and he has since ceased speaking to me (which disturbs me not one bit).

I think I was in the right to ask, especially since we should support newspapers while they’re still around. Was I wrong?

— Dedicated Reader DEAR DEDICATED >> I appreciate your old-school dedication to newsprint, certainly because my own work is often crossword adjacent. But how does your co-worker going halfsies with you on one newspaper support newspapers? You’re already buying one newspaper. If he compensates you for half the cost, you’re still buying one newspaper.

Yes, your co-worker should find appropriate and proportional ways to thank you for sharing the sports section every day, but it would be even better if he ponied up for his own copy.

DEAR AMY >> I felt terrible for “Nanny in Need,” the young nanny who seemed to feel pressured to take a dog that had been bequeathed to her clientfamily.

Some families seem to pile on the chores, and nannies feel powerless to respond.

Thank you for suggesting that she ask for a raise for all of the extra chores.

— Been There DEAR BEEN THERE >> I appreciated her concern for this dog, which had landed in her lap. I hope she can mentor this family to become more responsible stewards to this animal.