All domestic violence is not the same

I am writing in response to the giant flyer that came recently with one of the local papers I subscribe to, a flyer reminding us that October was domestic violence month.

It listed certain myths various “victims” groups believe are associated with domestic violence.

Well, I would like to bust one of their myths by stating this simple truth: All domestic violence is not the same.

I grew up in domestic violence and believe that no child should have to experience violence in their home. When I grew up the PTSD followed me through all my relationships, even my relationship with God.

Having said that, I got involved in the domestic violence movement back in the 1990s. I left my “abuser.” I lived in battered women’s shelters for a whole summer with my kids. The weekend I arrived there in Geauga, there was a crack addict (the rural shelters absorb overflow from the city) who was abusing her five kids right in the shelter! They didn’t have 24hour staff then.

Then, after being in shelters we lived in transitional housing Lake County. My ex wanted to fix our marriage. He wanted to get back together. I really didn’t want a divorce because of my religious beliefs and my marriage vows. But the battered women’s “advocates” told me he couldn’t change, and of course, everything was the “batterer’s” fault.

Life is not that simple and relationships are not that cut and dry. Neither are people.

What I have learned at the age of 59 is that people who make money off of other people’s problems rarely actually solve them. Because their motives are not pure.

The lies that came out in that flyer prompted me to write this. Here is the reality that many women face after they buy into leaving never to return: They face poverty. If they have children, they face custody battles. And guess what? If that person has rights to their kids, he or she may have to deal with that person the rest of their lives. Yes, there are people who escalate, but there is minor “domestic abuse” (the list of what they call abuse is very long) in almost every relationship.

If the domestic violence movement was an effective way to deal with violence in our society, the violence in the city streets would be almost non-existent. But it isn’t.

My ex tried to tell me I had been brainwashed by the domestic violence movement.

In retrospect, he was right. Think for yourself. If men want help they should be able to get it.

We need more family counseling using systems approaches. Because while there is no excuse for using violence, I have learned the hard way that all the problems were not the “batterer’s” fault. If we really want to stand up to people being assaulted in their homes, stop designating it a family crime called “domestic violence.” Charge people with assault and or battery.

Robin Neff Chardon