Grandfather’s death leaves many open questions

DEAR AMY >> My father-in-law died by suicide. Because of his local prominence, the suicide made local news. If you Google his name, stories mention his suicide, some in graphic detail.

My in-laws’ religion is very clear on suicide and the family feels a great deal of shame over his death. My mother-in-law insisted that none of the grandchildren (who were all very young) should be told how their grandfather died.

My husband agrees with me that our daughter eventually has the right to know how her grandfather died. I don’t want to disrespect his family, but I believe that our daughter has the right to know her complete health history.

I do not believe that there is any reason to be ashamed. I have gone along with my motherin-law’s wishes because I don’t want my daughter to have the burden of keeping a secret from her cousins, whose parents believe in sheltering their children from bad news.

My daughter is now learning how to use the internet and has started Googling her relatives’ names. It’s only a matter of time before she finds out about how he died. I feel my husband and I should guide the discussion.

My husband feels that because it’s his dad, he should decide how to talk about it.

If my daughter finds out about her grandfather through the internet, she will likely believe that because we haven’t talked about his suicide, then it means that she’s not supposed to talk about it.

I don’t want her to navigate her emotions on her own. I want to talk to her, but I don’t want to anger my husband and alienate my in-laws.

— Anxious DEAR ANXIOUS >> Denial and secrecy surrounding a suicide is not a good thing — obviously. But people — especially loved ones who might still be struggling — have a right to privacy.

You seem overly invested in controlling a specific outcome. Yes, of course, your daughter will eventually learn about her grandfather’s death. But your stated concern about your young daughter’s “health history” seems disingenuous.

Are you focused on this death more than other deaths in the family? And if so, why? Would you be as eager to explain a grandparent’s death from cancer to a young child as you are to discuss this suicide?

For family survivors of suicide, there is a distinct sort of pain and grief that is mixed with confusion, anger and — yes — sometimes shame. But this is your husband’s father you’re talking about. Let him handle this, and be supportive of him — even if he struggles.

The narrative, like the loss, might be messy. You do not have the right to pre-empt this discussion for your own reasons.

When your daughter learns of this, make sure that you and her father also tell her about the fullness of her grandfather’s life, so that his death alone doesn’t define him. Your compassion toward him will guide your daughter.

DEAR AMY >> I have a female relative who frequents a psychic.

She then uses her visits to fuel conversations at family gatherings, frequently embarrassing other family members.

For example, she once reported back that her psychic had told her that my husband and I were having marital problems! I replied that every marriage has its ups and downs.

However, despite my negative reaction, she continues this pattern of behavior.

I have visited psychics myself, and I thought the purpose was to enlighten you about your own life, not to be nosy about friends and relatives. Your thoughts? — Not Happy DEAR NOT HAPPY >> You’re right — it is uncool and unkind of your relative to cast aspersions on your (or anyone else’s) private life, especially in front of other people. When she does this in the future, you should simply respond that you don’t think it’s right for her to speculate about others private lives.

That having been said, even though I don’t believe in psychic powers, I could imagine that the thoughts and predictions of a psychic might be an interesting conversation starter.

DEAR AMY >> Responding to “Pay to Play,” the two friends who meet, and linger, over lunch justify this by leaving a 30 percent tip. If each meal is $15 to $20, then 30 percent of the tab is only $12, at most.

That seems miserly for hanging out for three hours.

As a server, I would find it much more palatable if each left $10 to $15, rather than an “increased” percentage tip.

These guests may be low maintenance, but they still require periodic attention.

— Been There Done That DEAR BEEN THERE >> Great advice. Thank you.