Readers struggle being ‘more than friends’

DEAR READERS >> I’ve briefly stepped away from my column to work on a new writing project. This week, I’m rerunning topical Q&A from 10 years ago. I’m calling today’s topic, “More than friends.” I’ll be back next week with fresh columns.

DEAR AMY >> Iama 35-year-old divorced mother of two. During the past five years, “Chris” and I have become good friends. I’ve known that he has romantic feelings for me, but I don’t share these feelings.

I have never given Chris any indication that I want anything other than friendship. However, after dinner the other night, he tried to kiss me. I pushed him away. He is hurt and confused.

Chris is everything I want in a man, but he is morbidly obese. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and tell him that I’m not attracted to him.

— Just Friendship DEAR FRIENDSHIP >> Your friend owes you an apology.

While out-of-nowhere kisses seem sort of charming in the movies, in real life this is an aggressive act.

You don’t need to acknowledge the “elephant in the room.” Chris will assume that his weight is the deal-breaker no matter what you say. Just tell him, “I know you feel romantic toward me, but I don’t toward you. I don’t see that changing, and I’m sorry we didn’t talk about this sooner. I’d like to continue to spend time with you as friends, but I understand if you don’t want to.” (June, 2009)

DEAR AMY >> I used to be good friends with “Martin” in college. I was pretty much in love with him, but we were never more than friends.

When I realized he was using me to escape his bad relationship with his awful girlfriend, I pulled away. In my defensive state, I probably acted like a real “female dog.”

Martin recently “friended” me on Facebook and I saw, to my amused bewilderment, that he has an actual female dog that he has given my name (I have one of those names that people often use for their dogs).

In college it was a running joke how annoyed I would get when people gave their pets my name.

Should I take a chill pill and realize this could all be a strange coincidence?

— Bemused DEAR BEMUSED >> You should definitely take a chill pill, and if you decide to react to this, make sure you do so with humor.

If you respond to “Martin,” tell him it’s a kick to connect with him, and say: “I can’t help but notice that you’ve given your dog my name. I’d like to think that this is a coincidence — or paying homage to me — and not a reflection on how you remember my behavior from college.”

Follow with a question about what he’s doing these days, giving him something specific to respond to, and then let the proverbial sleeping dogs lie. (Jan., 2009)

DEAR AMY >> I have a friend with whom I was intimate with many years ago. I recently heard from this friend after 18 years of no contact. Our spouses are not aware of our relationship, but I enjoy our phone conversations. I find myself looking forward to the next call. I am afraid to tell my spouse for fear of losing this relationship. Is it wrong to keep this private? A part of me says it’s wrong to keep this from my spouse, and a part of me says I’m entitled to have this person who emotionally supports me in my life.

— Confused DEAR CONFUSED >> You are entitled to have a person in your life that offers you emotional support. Ideally, that person is your spouse. This secret relationship is placing your marriage at great risk. One clue to how dangerous it is, is your fear that disclosing this secret will cause that relationship to end.

Ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse chose to have frequent, emotionally charged, secret contact with a former, intimate partner. Then you should come clean about this relationship, and do the brave thing — and end it.

You should work with your spouse to recover the emotional intimacy that is so obviously absent in your relationship. Every marriage faces challenges, and every relationship changes based on how partners react to these challenges. You and your spouse could strengthen your relationship by working through this together. (May, 2009)

DEAR AMY >> In my book group, we try to keep our discussions focused by following the reading group guides or questions provided by the publisher. Nevertheless, one of our members never fails to monopolize the discussion, and her comments are mostly off the mark or anecdotal. One of our members plans to call her

out in front of the group at our next discussion, and I am for some other approach to avoid embarrassing her.

Is there a good way to keep people on the topic and to avoid longwinded personal testimonials when discussing our books?

— Mary

DEAR MARY >> I ran your question past a few people who have been in longstanding book groups, and the consensus is that your group should spend some time at the beginning of your next meeting restating and refreshing your goals — literary and otherwise.

It’s all about the fit in any social group, and if your group is more serious and literary, then you should all agree that your focus will be pointed toward the literature and away from personal stories or digressions.

The person who leads the next group meeting should start by asking members to state their objectives, and the group should decide on very basic ground rules. One person who can direct the conversation away from anecdotes and toward the book, should moderate each meeting. If this one member can’t adjust to the style of the group, she should be encouraged (privately) to find another group.

As the author of a book making the rounds of book groups, I’ll weigh in and say that, although one person dominating a conversation is never acceptable, a group of people opening up a box of wine and straying from the provided questions is exactly what I had in mind as I was writing my memoir. Bookbrowse.com provides helpful tips for setting up and running a book group. (May, 2009)

Dear Amy >> I have a neighbor who is part of our neighborhood book group. She doesn’t come to the monthly meetings more than twice a year, but she has used our email addresses three times in the past six months to promote her husband’s construction business, her new cleaning business and a student exchange program, which she would probably receive a referral bonus for because she has a student living with her now. I am uncomfortable with her abuse of our email addresses, and I would like to address the issue with her tactfully.

— Concerned in Connecticut

DEAR CONCERNED >> In situations such as this, it is best to ask oneself, “What would Jane Austen do?” An Austen character would no doubt dispatch this issue with her customary rapier wit, all the while creating something of a commotion, which would be nicely and neatly resolved in about 200 pages. Receiving a group email three times over six months sounds tolerable to me. Bring up these so- licitations at your next book club meeting. If there is a consensus within your group, send your neigh- bor a group-generated email reminding her that these are private email addresses, not to be used for sales purposes. If you are on your own in objecting to this, reply to your neighbor yourself, asking her to please remove your email address from her group emails. (Aug., 2009)