Married couple reflects on their illegal abortion

DEAR AMY >> Back before we were married — in the 1960s (pre-Roe v. Wade), my wife and I borrowed $500 and went to a small dusty town on the other side of the Arizona-Mexico border to get an abortion. The “clinic” was tiny. It only had screens for windows. Our journey was not without risk and danger.

Among other experiences, we remember having to stand under the sweltering sun after the procedure while border patrolmen meticulously searched our car for drugs.

However, unlike some other friends in similar circumstances, the outcome was OK for us.

While we have never regretted our decision, we have never shared it with our closest friends of the last 50 years, or with our children or grandchildren — people’s own judgments and experiences being what they are.

We always planned to keep this private until now, when a woman’s right to choose is under full assault.

No one should have to go through what we and many others went through in order to end an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy.

So here’s the dilemma, Amy: Should we share our experience in support of women’s rights and risk the fallout, OR continue to keep this private?

— In a Quandary

DEAR QUANDARY >> I am, with your express permission, publishing your statement — where it will be seen by millions of people. I applaud your choice to speak as a couple who chose abortion and then went on to have a family together, without regrets.

Yes, as a couple, I hope you will hold hands and personally disclose this to your family. Younger family members may not comprehend the real-world consequences of restricting and outlawing abortion, and your experience taking on the risks of an illegal abortion may help them to understand the stakes.

Thank you for your willingness to tell your story.

DEAR AMY >> My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and have lived together for almost one year. Things have been great — but I feel there’s been a shift in the wind, recently.

Although I have a set schedule and my boyfriend does not, we typically go to bed together at the same time. However, lately my boyfriend has wanted to stay up later than he normally does, while I head to bed alone.

This has been getting under my skin. Before, he might have stayed up later once or twice a month. But in the past couple of weeks it has been three to five times a week. He says he wants to stay up later because he often comes home later than I do.

However, when we don’t go to bed together, our love life falters. There is a lot of intimacy in sharing a bed with a loved one, and I have felt robbed of that lately.

It has started to chip away at my self-confidence. I have brought this to his attention, but he says he didn’t realize the change and doesn’t feel anything is lacking in our relationship. Am I overreacting?

— Sleeping Alone

DEAR SLEEPING ALONE >> Any time you and your partner experience a major change in your habits, your relationship will change, too.

Not going to bed together up to five times a week qualifies as a major change, even if your boyfriend won’t acknowledge it.

One partner suddenly choosing to stay up frequently after the other goes to bed at night is on a short list of red flags that could signify trouble for you two. (Other red flags are mysterious texting/calling at odd hours, or spending lots of extra time at work or at the gym).

Your boyfriend might not feel that anything is lacking in your relationship, but you do. He should acknowledge this and, if he wants to keep your relationship on track, you two should quite simply spend more quality time together, including at night.

DEAR AMY >> I am a psychotherapist and work with lots of teens.

A great resource for “Tired Mom” might be the book “How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (2006, William Morrow). This guide is written by two moms, easy to read, and contains lots of illustrations.

I enjoy your column! — Julie

DEAR JULIE >> “Tired Mom” was dealing with an uncooperative, uncommunicative teen. This mom wondered if she could somehow just skip the teen years, altogether.

Given that skipping this important and challenging parenting phase is not advisable — or possible — I completely agree that “How to Talk...” will be a useful guide.