Toxic in-laws endanger allergic family member

DEAR AMY >> I have an extremely severe food allergy.

I carry an EpiPen; I’ve been hospitalized multiple times because of exposure to this allergen.

My husband explained this to his parents when we started dating.

Since then, most meals we have shared at their house have had very limited options for me. They manage to find a way to add the ingredient I’m allergic to, to almost everything.

One time they made a point to make a special plate containing this allergen, and then passed it around, while my motherin-law announced, “I would have liked to have added it directly to the salad, but SOMEBODY has problems with it!”

I literally held my breath as it went in front of me, for fear I would have contact with it.

That was extremely dangerous for me. This food could kill me.

When I was pregnant, my husband told them we would not take part in any family meals if they didn’t promise to keep the meals allergy-free.

His dad said, “We can’t promise that. Everyone except your wife likes that food, and we’re not changing what we eat for one person.”

My sister-in-law then berated me about this over the phone.

This has caused a huge wedge between my husband’s family and us.

We no longer spend holidays with them, and rarely speak.

They don’t get to see their grandkids. His sister stopped talking to us. He has a brother who still reaches out and is kind to us, but he acts as though his parents are just set in their ways and we should forgive them and move on

Short of taking them a doctor’s note, telling them my allergy is real, I’m not sure what to do.

My husband supports me 100 percent and he is very angry and hurt by their actions, but at times I feel terrible that I am the cause of this rift. I want everyone to be happy.

— Disrespected DIL DEAR DISRESPECTED >> Given the way these people behave, I doubt a doctor’s note would have any effect on them. They are either willfully and woefully ignorant of the lifethreatening aspects of your serious food allergy, or they are simply mean and willing to endanger you.

You are not the cause of this rift. They are.

Yes, they are not likely to change, so I suppose you could make the effort to forgive them and move on. But in moving on, you will not be moving toward them, because it is dangerous for you to do so. (If only there were an EpiPen for toxic in-laws!)

If your in-laws wanted to have contact with you, your husband, and their grandchildren, it would be very easy for them to do so — at your house, at a neutral location, or at any of the myriad occasions in a family’s life (sporting events, outings, concerts) not involving food.

DEAR AMY >> My husband and I have been in a 33year (same-sex) relationship. We got married six years ago.

I have come to the realization that I no longer like my spouse.

He has turned into a toxic, negative old man.

I have suggested counseling, but he dismisses the suggestion.

I am no longer happy, but because of our history together (and advanced age) I don’t really see leaving as a viable option. Your thoughts?

— Love Him, Don’t Like Him

DEAR LOVE HIM >> Marriage is hard. Getting old is no picnic.

Generally speaking, I think that you should not consign your own happiness over to someone else. If there are ways for you to preserve (or restore) your own happiness and sense of joy and also stay in this marriage, then you should do that.

Your negative, toxic old man of a husband is NOT going to choose counseling

o by yourself. Find your smile.

I think you should also seriously consider leaving the relationship. I’m not saying you should leave, but that you should consider leaving.

Then, if you choose to stay, you will have made an actual choice, and not merely a response to your own inertia.

DEAR AMY >> My husband and I are really frustrated with his father and his father’s second wife, who came into the picture when all the children were adults. We have been trying for almost a decade to connect and make getting together more bearable. It’s not working, and I’m ready to throw in the towel.

Amy, they just refuse to engage with us! My husband has explained his job every visit for the last two years because they don’t listen to his response. They never ask about me; I may as well be invisible. They talk about themselves constantly, interrupt you

when you talk, and basically talk over other people.

My husband and I recently told them that we are expecting a baby. Not only did they not ask how I was doing with the pregnancy, but 10 minutes later his wife was talking about her health problems.

I feel like we are at an impasse. I can’t stand to be treated like I don’t matter, and I don’t want to force myself to be around people who aren’t supportive, especially as a first-time mom. My husband is feeling angry with their behavior, which upsets both of us.

Should I just go to family events a few times a year and suck it up, or should my husband and I try again to explain that their relationship with us is falling apart because of their behavior?

— Try, Try, Again? DEAR TRY, TRY >> Yes, you might as well convey to your in-laws the way you feel when you are with them. Doing so might make you feel better, but you must also understand that it is not likely to inspire change.

The presence of a grandchild might nudge them toward a different focus, but again — people who are completely selfabsorbed tend to dive into their self-regard, regardless of the audience.

These future grandparents will miss out on a lot. More is the pity. Yes, show up at family events a few times a year and tolerate the behavior, which you cannot change. Reward family focused and generous behavior with the quality of your own attention.

DEAR AMY >> I have a friend from over 20 years ago, who has essentially invited himself to stay with me, in my one bedroom/ bathroom home, for his vacation.

He recently did this for the third time, even though I explained my unease with this arrangement.

He doesn’t rent a car and expects me to drive him around and come up with things to do while he’s here.

He brags about being a tightwad and how he NEVER drives.

How do I dissuade him without hurting his feelings?

I am a single female, by the way. We were never more than friends and — even then — not very close friends.

— Put Upon

DEAR PUT UPON >> Please forward me your contact information, because I could sure use a vacation, and you sound extremely accommodating.

My point is that social bullies need willing victims.

Your “friend” isn’t behaving like a friend, and he is counting on your inability to deliver a truthful and proportional reaction to his imposition.

Please, learn to say no. An effective “no” need not be embellished with details or excuses. You simply say, “No, you won’t be able to stay here. But let me know if you come to town and maybe we can have dinner while you’re here.”

Practice this — on paper, in the mirror, and with other friends — until you are more comfortable delivering your “no.”