Daughter wants distance after wedding nightmare

DEAR AMY >> My husband “John” and I were married recently. We funded the wedding. At our wedding, my mother behaved erratically. She drank too much, gave an awful speech, yelled at John, hijacked the DJ for multiple “surprise” spotlight dances, groped John’s married uncle, and was taken home early. I had nightmares for weeks.

We met with Mom and my stepfather. John and I said we were worried and wanted Mom to visit her doctor and begin therapy, but also that she had hurt us. John then asked her to acknowledge this and apologize. Mom began screaming and physically threatened him. She said she had always disliked him and that she would rather kill herself than apologize. We left.

My stepfather later told us that he will take care of Mom, and understands if we distance ourselves. Her only communication since then has been to send short, pleasant texts about how to avoid us. I find it confusing, exhausting, and upsetting.

I started therapy, read about “emotional immaturity,” and contacted a local family mediation center. For the first time, I’m thinking about all of her terrible behavior.

I’ve been thinking about future milestones like moving, pregnancy, and parenthood, and I don’t know what role Mom is capable of having or what role I want her to have.

Should I be doing something different? What happens when we have news to share?

— Unresolved

DEAR UNRESOLVED >> You have responded to your mother’s behavior in a straightforward and honest way. Working on a hunch, I suggest you ask your therapist to talk to you about Borderline Personality Disorder. Some of what you describe sounds typical of someone with BPD, who will have an exaggerated reaction to perceived abandonments. If your mother does have these characteristics, don’t hold your breath for an apology; it will never come.

As her daughter, you will have to find healthy ways to erect strong boundaries. When/if your mother behaves well, you can open a door, but you should be prepared to close it again. Do not let her control you. Continue to be in touch with your stepfather. Share any and all lifetime announcements with both of them, and then take your future with her on a case-by-case basis.

A book that might help you explore this challenging dynamic is, “Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder,” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger (New Harbinger Publications; Second edition (January 1, 2010).

DEAR AMY >> I have been dating my boyfriend for over three years. Things with him are pretty good. My family and friends love him.

We started dating shortly after my ex and I broke up. I thought I was ready, but I have been having feelings toward my ex. Recently, my ex and I began texting, the conversation was something that I missed — we were good friends. But then he told me that he still thinks of me, so I wished him well and stopped the conversation.

We broke up for a reason, and getting back together is out of the question, but still, I have lingering feelings.

I know none of this is fair to the current boyfriend. I feel selfish and ashamed.

I’d like the thoughts and feelings toward my ex to stop. I want to feel like I have properly moved on. Am I just selfish?

— Wandering Eyes DEAR WANDERING >> Your current relationship is pretty good. Your friends and family love him. Do you? Is he your forever guy? At the three-year mark, you should have an idea.

This relationship might be a transitional one for you. But if some element of friendship is missing, you might be able to work on that. Have you been self-protective? Are you being emotionally intimate and available to him?

Your current guy could be wonderful, loving and kind, but he might not be a match for you. If that is the case, you owe it to him to be honest. There is no need to find fault with him (or you). It’s a question of chemistry, and the mysterious intricacy of attraction.

DEAR AMY >> I’m another reader objecting to you calling squirrels “rodents” and a bunch of scampering squirrels an “infestation.” Your reaction to these beautiful and harmless animals is too harsh.

— Squirrel Lover

DEAR LOVER >> I once had two squirrels chew their way into my attic, and then chew their way out of the first floor of my house. The damage was quite impressive.

Yes, squirrels are rodents and yes, they can be very destructive.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ amydickinson.com.