Husband’s secret online friendship ends abruptly

DEAR AMY » I’ve been married for many years. A few years back I started an online friendship with another woman. We’ve emailed back and forth, and I really enjoyed our correspondence over the years. She’s had a much more exciting life than I’ve had, but I found our shared knowledge and experiences made for an online relationship that’s better than anything I’ve had with my wife.

I knew we’d never meet in person. I never attempted a face-to-face meeting with her and was perfectly happy with that. Then, two years ago, her writings to me became less frequent and much more politically tinged.

She attributed this to an injury she suffered, and the subsequent recovery from it.

Her correspondence to me has since dropped down to nothing, I miss it and feel truly hurt by this. My wife knows nothing of this, and I find that my wife and I have less and less in common anymore.

Should I continue to correspond with her and hope things will go back to normal, or should I just end things altogether and try to move on?

Hurt Online

DEAR HURT» When I comment on the insidious effect (and often damage) that secret “friendships” have on a marriage, people often respond >> “But married people can — and should — have friends!”

YES, committed partners can (and should!) conduct their own friendships, but when the friendship is a secret, over time the secrecy amplifies a feeling of intimacy between the friends, leaving the primary partner out.

Your situation is a perfect example of this phenomenon. As your online friendship grew, your in-person relationship shrank. And now - unfortunately, both relationships have dwindled.

Maybe you pursued your online friendship in the first place because you believed that something important was missing in your marriage. But - if you aren’t at least going to try to be a full partner to your spouse, then you should own the consequence.

You should respect your online friend’s choice to maintain some distance from you. You could express concern about her but then you should respect the choices she is making.

Then - you could take the extra relationship energy and recommit to trying to reconnect with your wife. You might start by sending her a warmly written email.

DEAR AMY » My granddaughter is barely scraping along. She is divorced from her vindictive and nasty husband. They have three teenagers for whom she is mainly responsible.

She had a good job when she divorced, so the courtordered child support was low. She has a part-time job now, but with no benefits, and she has had some serious health issues. I help her out by sending her about $1,800 a month.

My husband and I are retired and are comfortably well-off. There is nothing that we need or want that we can’t get for ourselves.

However, our granddaughter sends us gift cards for things that we don’t want or would not get for ourselves.

To me, that is akin to robbing Peter to pay Paul.

The last time she sent me something, I wrote to her and asked her not to send us anything of monetary value. A card or a Zoom call would be more than enough to make us happy.

We are also very old and try to go out as little as possible until there is a vaccine for the virus.

Well, she has just sent my husband a Father’s Day card for $25 to spend at Starbucks. He doesn’t want it.

I have sent it back to her and asked her again not to send us such gifts.

I am sure that I am hurting her feelings and I don’t know what to do about it.

Do you have any suggestions about how better to handle this?

Grands

DEAR GRANDS » You are so generous - and your granddaughter obviously appreciates it very much. She is trying, in her way, to thank you and reciprocate.

I realize this is frustrating for you, but after your second admonition and correction, I think it’s time to let it go. You might be able to re-gift or donate any gift cards to someone who might use them.

DEAR AMY » “Too Nice” described being so nice that people always take advantage of her.

That used to be me! Thank you for telling her that people will react poorly when she attempts to establish boundaries. This is just their way of struggling to adjust.

Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE » It’s hard to switch it up! People will push back.

DEAR AMY » I need advice on how to handle a neighbor situation. The elderly lady across the street, who has always been a little crotchety, has now utterly lost it. She prowls the neighborhood, looking for “COVID violations.”

Two neighbors talking from opposite sides of the street get 10 minutes of screaming profanities because, in her mind, social distancing means not socializing at all.

She has called the police on another neighbor so many times that she’s forbidden to do it again. The reason? There were three cars parked in his driveway. He has his daughter’s family staying with him, which she considers “a party.”

My parents came over for my father’s birthday and she called the police on us, reporting an “unsafe large gathering spreading the virus.”

The four of us, all healthy, were sitting inside eating cake. (And anyway, in our area, gatherings of 10 or less are considered fine.) She has also called the police on lone joggers without a mask and gloves, even though she herself doesn’t wear them.

She has now set up video cameras conspicuously around her lawn, one of which is pointing directly at our house. She has commented that she can see in our windows and has berated us for not wearing a mask and gloves... in our own home!

My husband has suggested that we start mooning out the window. I would prefer a solution that doesn’t involve her having photos of our naked backsides. I also don’t want to be forced to keep the curtains closed.

How can we reason with the unreasonable?

COVID Fishbowl

DEAR FISHBOWL» The answer is: You cannot reason with the unreasonable. So don’t try. You might be able to get that camera off of your house, however.

You should research state laws regarding privacy and video. You don’t necessarily have an expectation of privacy while in your yard or driveway, but you do have a reasonable expectation of privacy inside your own home. You should contact a lawyer regarding your legal remedies.

Based on what you describe, this neighbor seems to have gone round the bend. The pandemic has proved a trigger for various mental illnesses, and if she has dementia (for instance), she may be fixated on the risks she irrationally believes surround her.

Live your life. Do not “moon” her. Stay calm and polite if forced to interact with her. Imagine what it must feel like to be in such a state of rage over things you cannot control. Avoid her and (if possible) feel sorry for her.

DEAR AMY » You missed an important point to “BiCurious” in your response about bisexuality. Sexual orientation doesn’t end with marriage.

I have come out as bi/ pan, even though I have been in a seemingly straight relationship with my husband for more than 20 years. It is part of who I am and doesn’t go away with a ring on my finger.

Claiming my whole identity helps others, yes, but it also helps me.

Rena Dubin (use my name-- it’s pride month!)