Stressed wife might need a ‘she shed’

DEAR AMY » I have known my husband for almost 40 years. We’ve been married for 30 years.

I am trying to become healthier in body and mind. I practice yoga, and I am evolving and growing.

My husband chooses to do nothing to take care of his body; he eats whatever and whenever he wants, and has always chosen to be sedentary.

He just retired due to health issues (and his age). I’ve just retired, also.

He doesn’t choose to go places. He doesn’t even get out of the house very often.

We live on a large property, and even though he uses a cane, he could still at least go out to his garage or onto our porch, but he chooses not to.

I have literally begged him to give me my space, since we both worked throughout all of our marriage — until now.

I am now battling depression and anxiety.

I took my marriage very seriously and I don’t want it to end.

I have suggested counseling, and I attend therapy sessions on my own a few times a year, but he wants nothing to do with that and tells me that I need fixing — not him.

I still love him, but I don’t feel confident that our marriage or my sanity will endure. Help!

Loving Mother and Wife

DEAR LOVING MOTHER » Even though he meant it unkindly, your husband has halfway arrived at a bit of wisdom. You might not need “fixing” as much as he does, but you deserve fixing, and - of the two of you — you are the one most likely to receive it - and to benefit from it - because you are motivated to change.

Contact the counselor you have seen previously and immediately set up a virtual appointment for an assessment. I hope you understand that many people are struggling right now ... the pandemic has forced everyone into uncomfortable territory, and while this retirement phase might have been challenging in normal times, right now you are likely being denied some of the important social, friendship, and familial connections that would be helpful to you.

You should try to establish a daytime routine similar to the one you had while working, if possible. If you can’t have privacy inside your home, you should head to the porch, the garage, or another part of your large property and set up your own space where you can keep “office hours,” and work on your yoga, meditation, reading, painting, gardening - or whatever creative pursuits you want to try. Look online for “she sheds” to see if you might be able to create an actual retreat space that is yours alone. Make sure you talk to at least one friend or family member each day.

You notice I haven’t mentioned your husband...? I can’t “fix” him. You can’t, either and whatever flows from that tough reality, you should be strong and healthy, in order to face it.

DEAR AMY » I am very much on the fence about attending a family reunion in another state. The news seems to be changing every day regarding whether or not it is safe to gather, and my decision about whether to go changes every day, too.

Can you weigh in? Fence Sitter

DEAR SITTER » Every time I start thinking about traveling again, I read another story about gatherings where people seem to be taking precautions, and yet somehow contract and spread the COVID virus, sometimes with tragic consequences. Ask yourself, “Is it worth the risk to possibly infect a family member?”

I think this is one time when you should absolutely follow the age-old dictum: Better safe than sorry.

DEAR AMY » Your answer to “Living the New Normal” about telephone job interviews, left out some important tips:

Always dress as if for an in-person interview.

Use a mirror, so you can see your expressions. Smiling does make a difference in how your voice sounds.

Go to a quiet, private room. No children or dogs! Sit at a desk or table, not on your couch.

Have your list of questions written out, and ask them! Take notes.

Have the reason for leaving your previous job written out. Rehearse saying it.

Lynne

DEAR LYNNE » I love these suggestions. (Using a mirror is a great idea, unless it would prove a distraction.)

I will add: Near the end of the talk, ask the interviewer, “Is there anything I’ve brought up that you have further questions about? I’d be happy to try to fill in any blanks.” DEAR AMY » I have been a widow for almost 13 years. My husband was only 32 when he died. We were together for 16 years, and had two children (who are now 24 and 16).

Unfortunately, my husband cheated on me more than once. I was devastated over the infidelity. I never had closure.

I moved to a new home three years ago, and I started dating my neighbor.

He is nine years older than I. He was married for over 30 years, and his wife ended the marriage.

Things between us went way too fast. I literally slept at his house just about every night for almost a year.

He started drinking, and his drinking has become a problem.

He expressed his love for another woman, and his sexual interest in two other women. That put a big strain on our relationship.

I’m very much in love with him and want to move forward, but he said he’s not ready for that, and doesn’t know if he ever will be.

He knows I have insecurities because of my husband.

He tells me I push too much. I think he is pushing me away.

Am I wasting my time? Lost in Love

DEAR LOST » If you enjoyed this relationship as it is - I’d say that you were not necessarily wasting your time. Although, speaking of time, your choice to spend every night for a year away from your teenager (was anyone else home?) is time neither you nor your children will ever get back.

I understand the devastation of infidelity, but you will not get “closure” until you actively pursue it. I’m talking about accepting the reality of what happened during your marriage, and choosing to move forward.

Would you encourage your children to pursue a committed connection to someone who drank too much and didn’t meet their needs? I hope not, but by engaging in this relationship under the noses of your kids, you are basically demonstrating that this is the way to be.

Your neighbor is pushing you away. Let it happen. Take a fresh look at your life. Work on your own growth. Pack your possessions — and your emotions — into a U-Haul and move to a different street, if you have to. DEAR AMY » “Caught Couple” described being “front line” physicians and “potential vectors” for the COVID virus. And yet they were considering going to a big wedding!

Thank you for this line: “Wake up and smell the COVID!”

I have to admit, it made me laugh.

Chuckling

DEAR CHUCKLING » That line was in questionable taste - and I have no regrets.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ amydickinson.com.