‘Frequent Flyer’ explains landing at home

DEAR AMY » After reading so many parents’ questions about adult children returning to the nest, I thought I’d weigh in — as a “frequent flyer.”

While I generally agree with the advice you give to parents, I wanted to add another voice.

My parents have been very generous over the years, helping me to save money or letting me stay with them between major moves. Recently, I was home during the pandemic and it truly made things so much better for me, but let me say, it is hard to be an adult at home.

Try as I might, as soon as my head hits the pillow in my childhood bedroom, it’s like I’m 16 again. It’s hard to treat my parents like roommates, and to see myself as an adult.

Talking with my friends who’ve also lived at home, we frequently laugh about the immature arguments we get into with our parents and say, “We don’t have these problems with roommates.”

Sometimes, it’s hard to shake off old habits. This includes parents who keep treating us like teenagers.

Last Saturday, after I had worked a late shift, my dad banged on my door and told me I was sleeping the day away!

Sometimes we feel shame around coming home, as if we’ve failed our grown-up life. Sometimes it’s hard for parents to accept new coping mechanisms we’ve developed in adulthood (yes, sometimes I do want an afternoon beer!).

It’s hard to act like an adult around your parents and it’s hard for parents to treat us like adults. Apologizing frequently (and humor) helps.

And if parents find themselves saying, “It’s my house and my rules,” they shouldn’t be surprised if a teenage tantrum follows.

I am grateful that my parents have let us all keep trying.

— A Frequent Flyer DEAR FREQUENT FLYER » Yes, it can be rewarding and frustrating - on both sides and in equal measure — when a “frequent flier” repeatedly comes home to roost. You have described the weird timetravel teenage transformation that occurs when you sleep in your childhood bedroom (I remember it well from my own visits home).

However, you seem to equate your parents with roommates. Your parents aren’t your roommates. When you have a roommate, you two are sharing the housing expense. You are peers, on equal footing. When you bounce back home to save money, you are a non-rent-paying beloved child who is accepting your parents’ generosity.

You sound like a loving, lovely, perceptive person. Your parents seem to have raised you well. But they are your parents, and – teenage tantrums and all — it will be ever-thus.

DEAR AMY » A dear friend is turning 80 next year.

The invitations for his big 75th birthday celebration requested no gifts, saying “Your presence will be your present.” But at the event, he showily opened gifts that had been brought anyway, pointing out and thanking the gift-givers — much to the embarrassment of those who respected the “no gifts” request.

What do we do if the situation repeats itself for his next party?

Should I mention to his wife how uncomfortable this display made us feel?

— Red-faced Friends DEAR RED-FACED » I agree with you that your friend should have opened his “no gifts” gifts (and expressed his gratitude) privately, but it’s his party.

You should respect his “no gifts” wishes this year, anticipate the possibility that he will give a repeat performance, and just roll with it. Pour yourself a cup of coffee, enjoy an extra piece of cake, and nod politely.

DEAR AMY » We had a similar situation as “No Peace,” with a 26-yearold son who lived at home and did not contribute to the household and showed no inclination to ever live an adult life.

As a stepmother, I wanted my husband to start charging his son rent to at least cover our expenses.

He was not comfortable with that, or with asking him to move out, and because of the increasing tension we finally sought out a counselor.

She had a brilliant suggestion: Charge him rent, but put it in a nest egg account to give to him for when he finally did move out.

Well, the nest egg never got very big because within six weeks he had found a better job and a place to live.

He is now married with three children, and is thankful that we gave him the push that he needed to move forward with his life.

— Win-Win Scenario

DEAR WIN-WIN » The answer is to make expectations reasonable, clear, and consequential.

DEAR AMY » During the pandemic, I started exploring my genealogy and recently found out that I have a half-sister, “Barb.” We have the same father.

Barb was put up for adoption as an infant. Our father passed away without divulging her existence.

Barb and I have been in touch and are sharing information about our lives.

I recently discovered letters written by Barb’s biological mother to our father during her pregnancy. Most of the letters are very loving, and detail what seems like a caring relationship between two very young people who were teenagers and impoverished students who were not ready to raise a child. I have shared some information in the letters, and would like to share more, however the letters are not all good. Adoption was not the first plan for this pregnancy, if you get what I mean.

Should I give the letters to Barb? Should I weed out the unsavory ones? Should I just give her a couple of letters that detail the love her biological mother had for her new baby and the love these two people had for each other? They are very poignant and heartfelt.

Barb has had a very stable, loving upbringing with her adoptive parents and told me that she never felt like she was missing anything by not knowing her biological parents. Now that she is taking this journey, I thought she might want to have these letters, but I don’t want to cause her any harm, either to her or to our budding relationship.

Your advice? — Half-Sister

DEAR HALF-SISTER » The isolation due to the pandemic seems to have brought on lots of DNA searches and closet-cleanouts.

I often advocate for liberating people from family secrets — those deeply held secrets that generations conspire to hold close.

Your situation does not qualify as a family secret (you’ve already uncovered and disclosed the truth, and have connected with your sibling), but this falls into the: “What good would be served?” category.

Sharing a private letter from many decades ago where two very young people discussed the prospect of ending a pregnancy seems pointless. “Barb” might have already assumed that terminating the pregnancy was considered before her biological parents decided on adoption.

I don’t quite know what you consider “unsavory,” but I don’t think you should share anything unsavory, unless the information disclosed would have an impact on Barb’s physical health.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ amydickinson.com.