This household could use a recycling czar

DEAR AMY » My wife and I have been married for eight years.

We’ve always shared household chores, which has worked well.

She recently put her career on hold to focus on our two small children, and she is an amazing mother.

My only complaint is her apathy toward recycling. I’m constantly picking recyclables out of the trash and trash out of the recycling bin.

Recyclables that do make it into the correct bin are often contaminated with food waste which, I’ve read, gum up sorting and processing machines.

I’ve gently reminded her of the proper way to handle recyclables, but I am usually met with a “whatever” attitude or dismissive comment about “washing garbage.”

More often, I just quietly pick through the respective bins and put things in the right spot, but I feel like that’s encouraging her to continue not to care.

I realize in the grand scheme of things this is a pretty minor infraction and part of the issue is my meticulousness, but I’m wondering if you have any suggestions on how to persuade her to care more about proper recycling etiquette?

— Wearied Waste Warrior

DEAR WEARIED » My solution is to suggest that you simply realize that your wife is a nonstarter in this regard, and to stop campaigning and correcting her. I am thereby appointing you the Recycle Czar of your household (your scepter is in the mail). As such, you will take on this job with enthusiasm and without complaint. Furthermore, I’m appointing your two young children to be your official assistants.

Even very young children can enjoy the job of safely sorting (clean) plastics (no sharp metal edges, please). You should delineate a color-coded bin for the recyclables, teach your kids the basics, explain to them why you are doing this, place the clean plastics and paper goods on the floor, and ask them to put these things into the appropriate bin (there are some fun videos on YouTube illustrating the process). Then they can help you take the bin to the curb and watch the big truck take the discarded items away.

If you do this, quite soon your children will start to police your wife, reminding her which bin to use. This might inspire her to get on board.

DEAR AMY » Thank you for your wise response to “Frustrated in the Kitchen,” who was so upset that her two stepsons (both addicts) were so often extremely late for her special home-cooked meals.

As a mother who lost a son to addiction, I can tell you that I never stop wishing there was one more birthday or holiday meal with my son.

Establishing a “home” for those suffering with addiction is the kindest act a parent can do.

Yes, they can be late and unreliable and maybe they won’t stay long. But coming home for holiday meals can be a great blessing for troubled souls.

A family group like AA or NA could be of great help to these parents.

At the end of a meeting, they always say, “Keep coming back...” And that’s what parents should always say to their children.

Simpler food could be ordered to save work in the kitchen, and still feel like home-cooked meals. The important part is opening up your home and making the family feel welcome.

I would give anything to see my son at my front door. Frustrated and her husband can work out the kitchen problems. Time with family is so much more important.

— A Grieving Mother DEAR GRIEVING » Thank you so much for your thoughtful and loving response to a heartbreaking problem. I hope your perspective will help other parents and family members.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse (drugabuse.gov), drug overdose deaths rose from 38,329 in 2010 to 70,237 in 2017; followed by a significant decrease in 2018 to 67,367 deaths.

Addiction takes an incalculable toll on loved ones that statistics can never measure.

The wisdom of “Keep coming back...” works in so many contexts, and I thank you for sharing it. DEAR AMY » My wife is afraid to touch me since the pandemic started.

I even took the COVID test and the antibodies test to reassure her. I have tested negative both times. And yet my wife maintains — no hugging and (of course) no sex. Is this normal?

— Lonely Husband DEAR LONELY » Are you sure this is about COVID? I ask because, just as the pandemic has turned all of our lives upside down, it has also offered a rationale for simply refusing to do things you don’t want to do.

If you and your wife have (basically) formed a “germ pod” together with both of you in the same household and maintaining sound hygiene, both limiting outside interaction, and both wearing masks and social distancing while you are out, then I would say that her behavior is NOT normal. It isn’t rational, anyway. The idea is to follow CDC guidelines (and common sense) to maintain a safe household and to minimize any chance of the virus entering your orbit.

The pandemic has thrown most people somewhat off course. For some people, the pandemic has triggered extreme anxieties and obsessions. Fortunately, therapeutic help is readily available by phone or video chat. There are many ways to connect for help; you can check psychologytoday.com/us/therapists for a helpful list of therapists, categorized by location and specialties.

I think it is also obvious — and necessary — for you to do some self-reflection; might there be a reason (or reasons) other than the pandemic for your wife to keep her distance?

DEAR AMY » I love my two nieces. I lavished them with attention during their childhood. My sister (their mother), passed away and I kept in touch by attending graduations, visiting them in their relocated cities, and paying for entertainment and meals when we were together.

My nieces are now adults (late-20s/early 30s) and I continued to stay in touch, however, they have made no effort to reciprocate. They never return phone calls, visit, send holiday greetings, etc.

In fact, when I advised one niece that I was hurt that she didn’t return my call (after she said “she’d call me back later”), she explained that younger people just say that and it doesn’t really mean that they’ll call later.

Additionally, she suggested that I should contact her in advance so she could “block out some time to talk.” It seemed I had interrupted her important television viewing.

I have determined that I will no longer put myself out for them. My family members tell me that as the older member of the family, I should look past their behavior. Additionally, they say that young people just don’t want to be with older family members.

Your advice?

— Agonized Aunt

DEAR AUNT » Yes, it is time for you to back away a little bit.

It is pretty typical for adults at this stage of life to be wrapped up in building their own lives, seeing the needs of others as distractions rather than invitations to connect.

Many people in your nieces’ age group seem to treat talking on the phone as an unwelcome intrusion. Millennials have told me that they sometimes have a kneejerk reaction when they see a call coming in, thinking it is actually rude of people to call them, when they really should send a text. Nobody leaves messages, and voice mail messages are seldom returned.

This does not excuse your nieces’ rudeness toward you.