Friendship fail leads to wedding worry

DEAR AMY » In January, my best friend of 30 years and I had a falling out, this was not the first one we’ve had over the years.

I sent texts, checking on her health during the pandemic, with no response. Finally, two weeks ago, she contacted me.

She’s getting married and she said she couldn’t decide whether to invite me.

I told her that either way I would understand; it’s her day, not mine. I didn’t hear back. She messaged me tonight, asking if I’d like to attend her wedding, adding that I’m invited, but not my fiance or my children.

I’ve never felt comfortable around her other friends, as she behaves very differently around them. (This behavior is what has caused us to fall out multiple times.)

Now I don’t know whether I should attend. On the one hand, I’d like to be there, because we’ve known each other since the first grade. I love her family, but I’m worried I’ll receive the same treatment from her and her friends that I have experienced before.

NOT going might be better than going. I wouldn’t want to go and then regret it.

However, I appreciate that she got over her pride and invited me.

What do I do? What should I say?

I don’t want to hurt her, but I also feel like after the last falling-out, we’ll never be close again.

— AB in Illinois

DEAR AB » Your friend has been open about her reluctance to have you attend her wedding. Her reluctance has been underscored by the ungracious way she extended the invitation, and the parameters she has imposed.

Additionally, you don’t really want to go.

I’d call that a mutual parting of the ways.

You do not need to bring the hammer down on this friendship, because it is quite obviously waning. You could respond, “I’m so happy for you; I know this will be a wonderful celebration. I appreciate the invitation, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it. I’ll be thinking of you on the big day.”

DEAR AMY » One of my daughters got married last November.

My other daughter is getting married this November.

Can I wear the same dress to this wedding that I wore to last year’s wedding?

— MOB X 2

DEAR MOB » You can wear whatever you want to wear, as long as you feel good about how you look.

However, before wearing the same dress to this daughter’s wedding, you should carefully think it through and talk it over with the prospective bride.

Weddings last for part of a day, but the wedding photos last forever. Try to envision how you would perceive the pictures of each daughter’s wedding over time. Would you feel at all self-conscious — after the fact — about essentially looking exactly the same in the two sets of photos, taken at different occasions, a year apart?

You might be able to alter your look by adding a shawl or a dressy coat over your favorite dress.

DEAR AMY » I’m writing in response to your answer to “Lost,” the granddaughter whose grandmother was now in hospice care but a rift in the family had many family members unaware of the grandmother’s status.

A very valuable resource is the hospice program. All hospices are required to have both social workers and bereavement counselors. Reaching out to them (this can be done through the nurse or directly through the hospice program) can be of immense help to navigate the pending loss for all family members.

This family seems to be at a very high risk for what is known as a “complicated bereavement.” This can be mitigated through use of the hospice program’s resources. Hospice services do not end when the patient dies, and bereavement does not start after the patient’s death.

I was a longtime hospice medical director, now retired.

I hope this family reaches out for some help to mitigate their losses.

— Timothy J. Moynihan, MD

DEAR DR. MOYNIHAN » This grandmother was already in hospice care. Thank you for the reminder of all of the ancillary services hospice offers. And thank you for your own service to dying people, and those who love them. Hospice care is life (and death) changing.

Dear Amy >> About eight years ago, I gave my 4-year-old godson a train set for Christmas. He enjoyed it and we played with it together for several years. He eventually outgrew it.

Now, he is 12. He recently discovered the train set in the closet. He wanted to sell it to get money to buy some

AirPods, which cost about what he could get for the train set. So, with his parents’ help, he put it online, sold it, and got the AirPods.

I think this is great! I believe that once you give a gift, it is theirs to do with as they please, and it does not bother me.

The problem is, my wife of four years does not agree. She thinks it was extremely rude of my godson and his parents to sell a personal gift that I got him for Christmas without at least consulting me about it.

I told my wife that even though it might have been nice for them to tell me that they were going to do this, I honestly do not care.

I am worried that my wife is going to say something about this to my godson’s parents (she has indicated that she will).

We socialize with them often (they are one of very few in our pandemic circle). I don’t want her to create hard feelings.

Not only that, if it does come to that, should I side with my friends because I agree with them, causing my wife to be mad at me, or side with my wife, even though I disagree, just to make a more harmonious home?

— In a Quandary DEAR IN A QUANDARY: I HAVE AN IDEA » How about your wife keep her thoughts to herself, thereby ensuring both a solid friendship, as well as a harmonious home?

This is the very essence of “none of her business.” Your relationship with your godson predates your relationship with your wife. It is separate from your wife. You have every right to conduct your relationship with the boy the way you choose to. Furthermore, I happen to agree with your stance regarding the gift. It was not a family heirloom. It has been recycled, and now another child will enjoy it.

If your wife has the gall to bring this up to the boy’s parents in your presence, you should say to her, “Well, I completely disagree with you, as I made clear when we discussed this before. When I give a gift, I believe the person who receives it should do whatever they want with it.”

If your wife wants a harmonious home, perhaps she shouldn’t judge and confront friends about their parenting, or harshly judge your godparenting.

And because this is a godchild question, I’ll throw out a favorite admonition from the Bible: “Be a cheerful giver!” You have done so, and good for you.

DEAR AMY » You had some nerve, suggesting that “Unforgiving” should forgive her mother-in-law’s adultery.

Would you ever suggest forgiving a man for his adultery? I THINK NOT.

— Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED » Not only would I suggest it, I’ve done it, myself. And that’s when I learned that forgiving was serving my own emotional well-being.