Wisdom from readers starts the year off right

DEAR READERS »

To mark and celebrate the start of a new year, I’m including some recent reader responses that I have found particularly touching, wise, and useful. I learn so much from my readers!

I sincerely hope that the year 2021 is one of peace, health, and goodwill to all. We could all use a break.

DEAR AMY » Your literacy campaign to put “A Book on Every Bed” really touched my heart.

I am a retired teacher of 38 years and the greatest accomplishment of my teaching career was reading to my students every day.

The children would immediately quiet down and sit in their seats because they didn’t want to miss a word. It was magical!

The best crowd control and discipline is a good book.

I taught special needs children, first, third, and fourth grade during my career, and a good book never failed.

I also read to my own three children almost every night through their elementary years. Now that they are in their thirties, they have often said that these were some of their favorite childhood memories.

Thank you so much for raising awareness about the power of books.

— A Life-long Reader DEAR READER » This is beautiful!

DEAR AMY » Here’s a suggestion for children who feel their parents prefer one of their siblings over them.

I remember as a 13-year-old once telling my dad that I felt that he treated me differently than my younger siblings.

This was his response: “You are absolutely right. I do treat you differently and I realize that sometimes it may seem like I expect more from you than I do your sister or brother. That’s because you have different skills, talents and needs than they do. In some areas, you are stronger and more capable than your siblings, and in other areas your siblings are. And you may not notice when I try to help you through those. But I do not love you any less and you are just as important to me.”

Even more capable, successful and financially comfortable children need to hear that they are equally loved by their parents.

— Loving Daughter (and Loved) Big Sister DEAR DAUGHTER » Dad was wise.

DEAR AMY » A reader complained about being left to clean up alone after Thanksgiving.

My family handles it in a way that’s fun and fair.

Before dinner, each guest draws a folded piece of paper from a jar with a clean-up chore written on it. There are two identical papers for each job. (Clear table, rinse dishes, put away leftovers, etc.)

When dinner is finished you find the person who has the same job as yourself and complete it together.

It’s actually great fun because you are usually with someone you haven’t had a “working relationship” with.

Lots of laughing and casual conversation takes place over each segment of clean up. And the person who hosted does NOT set foot in the kitchen until it’s all spic and span.

— We “Clean up” Well DEAR WE » “Gamifying” chores makes you forget that they are chores. This is genius.

DEAR AMY » We tried your suggestion for asking for help from family at holiday meals. We lived in Yosemite and our large family (seven young adult kids and assorted friends, plus in-laws), and as chief cook and bottlewasher I was ready to literally take a hike.

My husband solved the problem by creating a list of all the chores involved in meal prep and cleanup and then had people sign up. It worked.

Everyone knew what they were supposed to do, and my husband did the supervising, leaving me free to enjoy another glass of wine.

— Ann

DEAR ANN » Yosemite?! I’d gladly hike over to your house for the holidays.

DEAR AMY » My partner of 28 years and I have shared expenses most of the time we’ve been together, even though we’ve maintained our own separate bank accounts.

She pays the bills, and we settle up once a month. Almost since the beginning we’ve kept a record of expenditures in a little bound ledger book.

At the end of the month, we total up the book and I write her a check for my part.

This has been very handy because we’ve often had children or grandchildren living with us and the percentage of the split has changed from time to time.

It has worked well for us and I highly recommend it.

— Tom

DEAR TOM » This works when you are both

organized and cooperative, which you obviously are.

DEAR AMY » We have had a small group of close-knit friends for several years who we essentially do everything with.

All of our kids play together, even though they go to different schools.

Our kids don’t have the option of online learning, and are attending inperson school. Theirs are home. Because of this, the families have been staying apart.

It’s been emotionally hard on us. We have missed them and can’t help but feel left out since we can’t join any of their group activities.

In October, when I included a couple sentences in a group email about our son playing soccer, I received a very angry/upset email reply.

I was told how much hearing this news upset my friend (to the point of crying), because they have kept their kids home without any outside activities.

She said she didn’t want to hear anything about my kids’ activities.

I apologized, but since then she has ghosted me.

Are we being socially irresponsible? We made the decision on soccer because all the kids in my son’s class were signed up. We decided the risk of increased exposure was fairly low.

But, regardless of what our comfort level is with exposure risk for our own family, is it irresponsible to take any risks (big or small) in the context of the overall social impact of possibly spreading this disease?

I think that is ultimately why my friend is so mad at us. We try to minimize exposure outside the home (holidays this year were just our own household) and we wear masks everywhere, but obviously we haven’t been isolating to the same degree as some.

I have cried more this year than in all my other years combined.

— Lonely and Ghosted DEAR LONELY » You seem to believe that your friend is judging you as being socially irresponsible for having your son engage in activities that his school has deemed safe.

I don’t interpret her reaction the same way. She is sequestered — quarantined, basically - with her children. This is such a tender time, surely you can imagine that your relative privileges make her sad about her family’s situation.

It reminds me of the time I was feeling particularly trapped and lonesome (due to work, personal obligations, and financial limits). Someone I really love kept posting photos of their wonderful extended trip to the Amalfi Coast.

In that case, I could “hide” these postings until I was feeling less sensitive and more expansive. In the case of a group email, the recipient can’t excise the lines that make her so envious and sad.

You have been crying, I’ve been crying, we’ve all been crying.

And now let us try to acknowledge one another’s tenderness the way we feel our own and respond with compassion.

I suggest that you keep in touch with your friend. Don’t pick at this sore spot, instead try to re-establish your previous friendly contact. She and the kids might enjoy receiving cards and letters sent through the mail.