This elder neighbor wasn’t such a peach

DEAR AMY » “Bobbie,” an older neighbor of mine, was not a good person. Through the years, she did harmful things to me, which benefited her. Despite all that, I maintained a good relationship with her.

Bobbie befriended “Ted,” a divorced senior, and used him for many things - from driving her around, doing her yardwork, painting her house, and lending her a large sum of money to remodel her house.

She and Ted often went on short vacations together. After returning from one such trip, she went into a diatribe behind his back, trashed him and told me that she could not stand him. Yet she continued to go on trips with him.

After Bobbie had surgery, Ted came to her house daily to cook for her. I brought food for both of them, and learned later that she had eaten it all herself.

Bobbie passed away about a year ago and Ted took it very hard. He told me that Bobbie was a wonderful person who never said a bad word about anyone. I kept silent.

Many months have passed, and Ted is still grieving.

If Ted ever mentions again how wonderful Bobbie was, should I tactfully — without going into specifics — let him know that she was not the wonderful person he thought she was? Would telling the truth lessen his pain? Or would shattering his idealized image of her depress him even more?

— Undecided

DEAR UNDECIDED » Informing “Ted” that he is a lousy judge of character will not diminish his grief. Instead, this very nice man will move forward feeling bad about himself, “Bobbie,” and you.

What greater good does this serve?

You seem to have way too high a stake in your late-neighbor’s relationship with her friend. She’s gone now, and you are free to remember her in your own way, but you should not feel compelled to influence how others remember her.

DEAR AMY » I need to know if I am overreacting or if my daughter is putting her life at risk.

I’m 68 years old and live in a “mother-in-law” studio on my daughter “Kathy’s” property.

I see her and my grandkids every day and I love it!

During this pandemic, the kids are schooling at home. My daughter has been looking for new hobbies to keep them busy and engaged.

I recently learned that Kathy and all four of my grandkids have been exchanging letters with people. This means that some random strangers have my grandkids’ names and our physical address!

I asked Kathy what the bloody Hell she was doing, and she said she communicated with these people prior to exchanging addresses and that she checked out and confirmed their identities. She knows them through Facebook (I don’t do anything online).

She says lots of people are doing this and that she and the kids have made some nice friends through this pen pal thing.

I am shocked that she would be so stupid! She has no idea who these people are!

They could show up at her house and kill her and kill or kidnap the kids!

My son-in-law is no help; he told me it’s a fun thing for them to do.

I am begging you to tell them to stop!

— Afraid Grandma DEAR GRANDMA » I agree with being cautious about beginning a correspondence with a pen pal, certainly when there are children involved.

Your daughter has been cautious, doing her best to confirm the identities of the people her children are corresponding with. Both parents are involved and engaged.

I do NOT share your hysteria about this. Pen pals have existed for as long as people have been able to send and receive letters. Many wonderful lifelong friendships have started with pen pal correspondences between strangers.

Yes, there is always a risk of revealing your identity and address to strangers, but individuals manage this risk every single day in their online worlds.

You would be wise to develop a friendly and nonjudgmental interest in this. That way, the children would be inspired to share their correspondence with you, enabling you to make sure it is not placing them at risk.

DEAR AMY » I get frustrated sometimes when you refer to things in your column that I’ve never heard of. Not everyone is as familiar as you are with popular TV shows, movies, or books.

Please make your answers accessible for everyone.

— Upset

DEAR UPSET » If you stumble across a reference you don’t know about, I hope you will look it up, or ask someone to fill you in.

DEAR AMY » I grew up adopted. My adoptive parents also had a biological daughter. My sister is several years younger than I.

When my parents sold their home 15 years ago, they gave me my adoption papers. These weren’t much help in locating my birth family, but they did identify my birth name.

Fast-forward to a year ago, and a DNA test connected me to my biological family. I’m fortunate that my birth mother and half-sister have embraced me, my kids, and my grandkids.

Before Dad died, I asked him about telling my sister about connecting with my birth family and he advised me not to, as he didn’t think she would take it too well.

I’m alternating feelings about disclosing this to her or keeping it to myself. I’m close to her and I don’t want this to affect our relationship. At the same time, it really has nothing to do with her.

What are your thoughts on this?

— Conflicted

DEAR CONFLICTED » People in your father’s generation sometimes fell back on avoiding the truth in order to spare what they believed would cause someone else’s discomfort. People still do this, but I believe that many of us now realize that temporary discomfort is easier to manage than the burden of carrying a longterm family secret.

I’m assuming that your sister knows you are adopted, and, surely, she has wondered over the years if you would connect with your biological family. You maintain that this doesn’t have anything to do with her, but it does! You are her sister. You have discovered other family relationships that are meaningful to you. To keep this knowledge from her denies her the opportunity to connect with you in a deep, intimate, and sisterly way.

She may be upset, confused, or even jealous that you have these new-found biological family members, while at the same time she has lost some family members who have died. Most likely, she will be upset that you neglected to share this important news with her until now, but she will have to deal with her own reaction to this. Don’t put this off further.

DEAR AMY » “Feeling Different” described an extremely co-dependent relationship. Here she is, only one year sober, enabling her live-in guy, who is drinking heavily and is not nice to her.

Thank you for taking a tough-love stance. I was in a similar relationship where I was constantly giving, giving, giving. Honestly, I was proud of how “nice” I was, until I realized that I was basically paving the way for my partner to abuse alcohol, and me.

Al-anon helped me to recognize my role in the family dynamic. Eventually, I got out.

— Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE » I urged “Feeling Different” to accept responsibility for her own actions, value her own sobriety, and do more to protect herself and her son.