A woman warned tops a woman scorned

DEAR AMY » I was with my former partner for several years. He traveled often for work.

We had what I thought was a very happy relationship and were both professionally and financially successful.

We bought a home together when I was close to completing my master’s degree.

A week after moving in, I discovered he’d been essentially living a double life with another woman (with children) who lived nearby. They were planning to take a “family trip” together (including her kids and parents). She knew nothing of me.

I then learned that his affairs had been going on for years with various women, and that he’d also had trysts with strangers (men and women). In addition to all this, he possessed tons of “upskirt” photos of various young women who were obviously being photographed surreptitiously.

When I would inquire about his trips and why he wouldn’t answer his phone when he traveled, he would accuse me of being crazy.

After this shocking discovery, I immediately left him.

After moving out, I ran a background check, and discovered that years ago, he was charged (but not convicted) of molesting a minor “younger than 12.”

In light of what I now know about him, I am extremely concerned.

I don’t know what to do with this information.

Should I reach out to the women whose contact information I have, and prompt them to look him up and do with the information what they will regarding their own children?

I have been wrestling with this question for nearly a year now. I don’t want to behave as a woman scorned, but I do often think about what harm he could be capable of, and it weighs on my conscience that I’ve remained silent.

- Only In Bad Movies DEAR BAD MOVIES » I wouldn’t describe your situation as “a woman scorned” so much as “a woman not warned.” The minute you learned about your guy’s double life, you packed up and left the relationship. Good for you!

Fully examine your motives. If your sole motive is to spare another woman what you went through or protect her children, then warn her.

Understand that when you attempt to warn another woman about your ex’s behavior, you must not defame him. Report only about what happened to you and the facts you know and urge any woman who has questions to also do a background check, especially if she has children.

Your ex will probably portray you as “a woman scorned.” It is likely that he is gaslighting his current partners the way he did you, but your strength now is in not caring what he thinks of you.

DEAR AMY» my niece is getting married in two months.

It is an indoor wedding. I love her dearly, but do not feel safe attending anything where people will be eating and talking without masks.

What is the right thing to do here?

I have many health issues and have not been going places during this pandemic.

- Worried Relative DEAR WORRIED » People have varied responses to the CDC recommendations during the pandemic, but - social obligations or desires aside - you have an absolute obligation to guard your own health.

The right thing to do is to decline the invitation if you don’t feel comfortable attending. Send your niece and her fiancé a warmly worded note (and a gift, if you want).

It isn’t necessary for you to lay on too many details regarding why you won’t be able to attend, but wish them well and tell them both that you look forward to seeing them in person as soon as you get the “all clear.”

DEAR AMY » “Confused Mom” asked you a question about “polyamory.” Apparently, her son and his wife had taken on an extra “partner” in their marriage and wanted to force this relationship onto the rest of the family.

This is adultery, plain and simple, and your acceptance of it is immoral.

- Upset!

DEAR UPSET! » I don’t view polyamory as adultery, because all parties are consenting to the relationship. “Confused Mom” was seeking a way to understand this, knowing that her relationship with her son hinged on her willingness to accept this unusual relationship triangle.

As parents, I believe we are called upon to find ways to love and accept our children, unless their choices are deliberately harmful.

I don’t believe that polyamory is the gateway to happiness, but that same caution would also apply to many conventional marriages.

I’d love to hear from people who grew up in polyamorous households.

DEAR DR. ROACH »

You mentioned checking a calcium score to help determine risk of having a heart attack. Please explain what that is.

— J.S.

DEAR READER » A coronary artery calcium score is a special kind of CT scan that looks for the presence of calcium in the arteries providing blood to heart muscle. Blockages in the arteries are usually calcified, and the scan can calculate the amount of calcium found in the walls of the blood vessels. The higher the calcium score, the more likely a person is to have blockages in the arteries. However, the test isn’t perfect. A person can have calcium without having any blockages, and a person may also have a cholesterol buildup that blocks flow without having calcium.

I often use the calcium score when I am not sure whether my patient would benefit from medication therapy to reduce their risk of a heart attack. This comes after a person has made the best changes they can to their lifestyle, and when they do not otherwise choose to take medication. If the calcium score is zero, then treatment may be safely deferred for five years. The risk of a heart attack in that time is low.

Exceptions would be if a person is at high risk, such as from diabetes, strong family history or smoking. In people whose heart disease risk puts them on the border of a recommendation for medication treatment, a calcium score above zero would tip the scales.

Calcium scores are not useful in people who are at very low risk, since they are unlikely to change the course of treatment. Patients who did not want to take a statin drug may change their mind once they receive the result of a high calcium score.

DEAR DR. ROACH » I am a primary care provider and read your column on red yeast rice. I agree with your comments but would add the concern I have: the presence of citrinin in red yeast rice products that is toxic to the kidneys and noted in 80% of sampled products, as stated in a recent review. Experts strongly advise people

NOT to use it.

— C.J.

DEAR READER » Many studies have confirmed the presence of citrinin in red yeast rice products. In Europe, where there is better regulation of over-thecounter products, citrinin has become a less frequent contaminant, but the most recent data I can find confirms Dr. Jackson’s concern about citrinin.

Since red yeast rice seems to work through monacolin K, the active form of lovastatin, I continue to recommend against red yeast rice. I recommend using a statin when medication treatment is necessary to lower the risk of heart attack and stroke.