Sexting inspires hurt, unkind comparisons

DEAR AMY » My wife’s best friend recently went through a period where she was unhappy in her marriage.

She began sexting with willing male partners and sharing some of the pictures she had received with my wife.

I know about this because my wife asked me to fix the Wi-Fi on her phone. While I was working on her phone, her friend texted one of these photos.

Alarmed and a little shocked, I opened the text message string and found myself in a world of hurt.

My wife was not only tacitly giving her friend permission to send these pictures, but she was comparing my physique unfavorably to these men.

When I confronted my wife, her first reaction was to change the passcode on her phone. She apologized, but I’m still having trouble.

I can’t seem to shake the feeling that she finds me unattractive when compared to other men, and whenever her friend is around, I feel very embarrassed and ashamed knowing that my body was described unfavorably to her in such explicit detail.

What should I do? - Embarrassed

DEAR EMBARRASSED »

Your wife has embarrassed, disrespected, and disappointed you, and you are left wondering what YOU should do about it.

Your wife is the person who needs to behave differently.

When a partner gets caught behaving badly, their instant and universal instinct is often to very quickly attempt to sweep the problem away. A typical reaction is to issue a swift apology, insist that you “move on,” and then refuse or avoid discussing the problem further.

Do not suffer silently. Describe how her behavior makes you feel, using “I” statements: “I’m embarrassed. I’m discouraged. I feel unloved. I really need to talk about this.”

You deserve an apology. A real one. One where your wife demonstrates that she understands the impact of her rudeness.

If you cannot successfully navigate this with her, you should make an appointment with a couples’ counselor. If she dismisses the need, you should go on your own.

DEAR AMY » Two years ago, I rekindled a relationship with my cousin, “Brian,” who is my age (44). Brian is an only child. We’ve developed a great friendship and are now close.

About a year ago, one of our other cousins was contacted by someone who is most certainly Brian’s half-sister.

The woman was hoping to be put in contact with her sibling and/or biological father. Eventually, the whole family found out and everyone is keeping this a secret from Brian.

My father approached his brother (my uncle, who is Brian’s dad), and he admitted the infidelity to my father, but refuses to tell his son.

It seems that his wife (my aunt) is aware of my uncle’s infidelity and this biological child. It’s now been a year and I feel sick trying to hold this secret.

This isn’t the first indication of dysfunction in my extended family, and I’m feeling ready to remove myself from the extended family entirely, and simply be loyal to my cousin, who I believe deserves to know that he has a sibling.

What do you suggest I do?

- Caring Cousin

DEAR COUSIN » I can understand why holding this potentially life-changing secret makes you so uncomfortable.

If this newly discovered half-sibling was able to contact one cousin, it seems logical that she would also be able to eventually reach her halfbrother.

One way to try to tease this secret out of the shadows would be for you to contact your uncle to say, “I’ve known about ‘Brian’s’ half-sibling for a year, now. I’m sure this is a very tough situation for you, but I am extremely uncomfortable continuing to keep this a secret from Brian.

“I do not want to interfere, so please let me know when you are planning to tell Brian about this? He is an adult and I genuinely believe he has a right to know that he has a half-sister.”

DEAR AMY » On the subject of how to inspire people to RSVP for events in a timely manner, my friends sent an invitation but did not put the location of the event on the invitation. That was sent after the RSVP was received.

Now I try to RSVP the very day I receive an invitation. I usually know right away if I can or don’t want to attend. It takes a load off the mind and helps the one who sent the invitation.

- Learned My Lesson DEAR LEARNED » Withholding the location is a clever technique.