Saying ‘no’ to pushy house guests is seasonal

DEAR AMY » How does one gently say “no” to an acquaintance who calls and wants to visit my area and stay in my home?

They have visited in the past and I am accommodating, but I have kept my actual feelings quiet, so they will be surprised when I say “no.”

They are very demanding and judgmental, so I am stressed out just thinking about them visiting.

They have a strong personality and will badmouth me to mutual friends if I do not comply.

In recent years I have allowed them to enter into my life, only to wish I hadn’t.

I know I am being used, but their wrath is something I want to avoid.

I know I need to get a backbone about this, but I don’t know how to say no with a valid reason.

What is a good way to say no — gently?

- Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS » I know it must be summer because I’ve received several questions about how to say “no” to houseguests.

My overall advice is to issue a solid “no” attached to a vague rationale, because pushy houseguests have a talent for driving right through specific explanations, excuses, and details.

For instance, You: “I’m sorry but I can’t host you. I have a conference that week.”

Them: “I’ll switch my dates to the following week.”

You: “My cat Thomas is allergic to people.”

Them: “That’s OK - you can put Thomas in a kennel.”

You: “The floor in my guest bedroom is being refinished.”

Them: “No problem - I’ll just stay in your room. You can sleep on the kitchen floor.”

Because you are clearly not going to confront this person, try saying, “Sorry, but I’m not going to host this summer.”

If they press you for a reason, you can say, “There are a lot of reasons. Mainly, I just don’t feel up to it.”

Surely the only silver lining to this lengthy tragedy of a global pandemic is the altered perspective we’ve gained from the experience.

Life is too precious to spend even a portion of it laying out the guest towels for toxic people.

DEAR AMY » We love our little electric-powered car. It has just enough range to get us from our home to Cape Cod — but not back again — without recharging.

We rented a house for vacation and I felt like I was being sneaky, snaking an extension cord to charge the car from the house.

My question is, should I feel bad?

Should the host expect that guests will use a certain amount of electricity? I wouldn’t ask the house’s owner to pay for a tank of gas, but there also isn’t another convenient way to charge our car for the trip home. What are your thoughts?

- Jack

DEAR JACK » My thoughts are that you should use your phone to map out charging stations along your route — and close to your destination — and use those stations to charge up your car.

(I’ve checked and see that there are several EV charging stations along the length of Cape Cod.)

Additionally, you wouldn’t feel bad now if you had run this past the landlord before your stay.

You could say, “We have a little electric car that uses about $5 worth of electricity to fully charge. We can charge it from a regular 110-volt standard household plug. Are you OK with us charging one time during our stay in the house? We’d be happy to add the cost to our rental fee.”

You could send the landlord a link to a recent article in Consumer Reports which outlines these details, in case the homeowner is unaware of the relative ease - and low cost - of charging an electric vehicle from home.

DEAR AMY » Regarding the mother-in-law who just wanted to drop in on her daughter-in-law (with a baby) without calling first, I was that mother who also requested that people, mostly my mother-in-law, stop coming by unexpectedly.

I am a private person. I am an only child from a small family. I tried to be delicate about it, but she was very mad and did not speak to us for over three months.

My husband did tell his mom to back off and after the three-month hiatus, she and I managed to work things out.

She learned to respect my needs and I hers.

We also moved out of state, which I think helped a lot.

- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE » Yes, moving out of state would definitely solve the “popin” problem.

DEAR AMY » I am a wife to a good husband who is 12 years older than I am.

We recently lost his wonderful mother (at age

93), and mine (she was 80 when she died).

I loved both of these women and I miss them terribly.

My mother lived with my husband and me for the past five years, and I took care of her.

Now that she is gone, I am craving having some time alone.

I haven’t had time to myself at all! My husband has retired and does volunteer work weekly, at two different places.

I have asked him to please let me have a day to myself every week.

I have yet to receive that. He just doesn’t seem to get it.

I keep telling him that I need a day to myself.

He isn’t listening; he plans his days home with my scheduled days off.

Do I just tell him a lie (“oh I’m off this day”), and say I made a mistake after I get my day at home?

I feel overwhelmed with still working 40-plus hours a week, planning meals, doing laundry, and helping with yard work.

He does help with laundry and vacuums for me.

But I just want a day to myself! Is this too much to ask?

- Needing “Me” Time! DEAR NEEDING » No, getting time to yourself is NOT too much to ask. You have already asked, and your husband - for whatever reason - is not willing to grant you what you need.

So take it.

Ask your husband about his volunteer schedule for the week and then rearrange your work schedule to be at home while he is gone.

Just make your plan and then explain, after the fact. Say, “I HAVE to have some time to myself at home. It’s that simple. In fact, I plan to do this each week.”

Your husband might be one of those people who never needs to be alone, and so he doesn’t realize how necessary and restorative a few hours of alone time can be.

I also highly recommend taking a mini-break and going to a nearby spot for a day and overnight by yourself, if at all possible.

You will return feeling so much better - and you can hope that your husband will note and appreciate the positive impact on you.

Overall, it seems that your husband could do more to step up at home.

If he has the energy to volunteer outside the home, then why can’t he do more to ease your domestic burden?

DEAR AMY » Recently, a mother-in-law (“Mom”) griped about her daughters-in-law, saying that one of these women was a “sassy” and the other was a “slob.”

I wish that you had pointed out that the daughter-in-law who is a slob at home is married to a man (her son!) who could certainly clean up their house if he wanted to.

- Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED » Absolutely. This particular mother-in-law sounded like a nightmare.