Trapped in a snowbank, this wife wants out

DEAR AMY >> I am

64 and retired. My husband is 62 and has his own home-based business.

He said he was going to retire, but now he’s saying he will just work part time so that we will have extra money “to play.”

We moved to an extremely small town, which has very few entertainment opportunities. It entails over two hours of driving to get all but the most basic of medical care.

Most of the women here grew up with their friends, and are not welcoming.

There is also snow on the ground for six months of the year, and I have physical problems that make it difficult and risky for me to walk in snow.

My husband is happy here. He has friends through his work and doesn’t really care about spending time with people.

He’s an outdoor guy. All I do is watch TV with him or wait for him to not be working.

I want to move to a place where I have more options for friendship and entertainment, but he refuses to move.

He doesn’t like to travel, and I am afraid the rest of my life will be spent living in this fishbowl where I can only look outside and be alone.

He rejects the idea of looking for another place, and becomes angry when I bring it up. What should I do now?

— Trapped Wife

DEAR TRAPPED >> Your husband’s “play fund” seems to apply only to him. There doesn’t seem to be much play in your life.

I assume that you have done your utmost to engage in the social life of your chilly home. Joining book groups, volunteering at the library, or getting a part-time job would help to keep you engaged and active.

You are unhappy. You are cold. Your health is at risk. You have not adjusted to life in this place.

For the remainder of this winter, you might spend time researching options. Do you have friends or family members living in more congenial locales? If so, you should look into alternatives for places to stay for at least the worst of the winter. You might be able to rent or share a room in an affordable area.

My overall point is that you obviously feel trapped, but perhaps you should not look to your husband for solutions.

DEAR AMY >> Some longtime friends and I hadn’t seen each other for years and recently got together for a few days to reconnect.

While at a restaurant for lunch, one friend discreetly picked up the tab.

Upon finding out the bill was taken care of, “Alice” vocally refused this kind gesture and asked the waitress, “Can you reverse the payment?”

I quietly said, “Alice, just say thank you. It’s the graceful thing to do.”

Alice got upset and loudly questioned: “Did you just tell me what to do?” — drawing the attention of the rest of our table.

She made a face at me, gave me “the hand,” and turned to the waitress, saying, “Don’t you just hate it when other people tell you what to do?”

The waitress stood there awkwardly. I said nothing, but it rattled me.

Now that we are all back home, I wanted to follow up with Alice and sort this out, but both my sister, my husband, and another friend who was there have all advised me to just let it be.

Unfortunately, I’m still dwelling on it.

During this awkward moment, did I behave inappropriately?

Perhaps I should have just said nothing and let it play out between Alice, the friend who paid the bill, and the waitress? How might I better handle this type of situation, should it happen again? — Lost my Lunch

DEAR LOST >> Given how this episode played out, I assume you wish you’d stayed quiet, and yet you did nothing wrong. You offered a friend your gentle feedback (I agree with you, by the way), and she aggressively and publicly shut you down.

I’m not sure why you would want to contact “Alice” to sort this out, other than to ask for an apology for her harshness, which you surely would not receive.

DEAR AMY >> I’m still bothered by the letter from “Anonymous,” a self-described “man-child” who wants no kids, pets, home — or any adult responsibilities.

I wonder who he thinks will take care of him when he needs care? — Grown Up

DEAR GROWN UP >> Caregiving in elder years isn’t the only reason to have children, but — if you raise them right — kids can certainly come in handy.

DEAR AMY >> My international travel was interrupted by a pandemic-related issue when I was returning home from Europe, so I applied for reimbursement from the travel insurance for a claim worth almost $10,000.

(I was on the trip with my longterm “travel buddy,” who didn’t have a problem traveling home.)

I was told I would receive a reimbursement. My travel buddy was well aware of these details.

I was waiting on the check, which seemed extremely delayed.

My travel buddy and I met for our monthly lunch date.

At lunch, she asked me if I had ever received the insurance payment and when I said no, she produced an envelope from the insurance company addressed to me, but sent to her mailing address because of a clerical error.

She jokingly said that she was trying to figure out how she could cash the enclosed check, which was for almost $10,000!

I replied it is against the law to cash a check that is in someone else’s name.

I put the check in my bag, and we started talking about a different topic.

Now I’m wondering if I should have asked for a better explanation about why she didn’t inform me that she had the check a month ago when she first received it.

My friend grew up in India and came to the U.S. 40 years ago in an arranged marriage.

She and her husband are retired after long careers. I know that her husband has been very controlling regarding money, and that she sends money home to relatives. She sometimes tells me she is still baffled by American customs.

I’m rather disappointed by how she handled this, but should I ask for an explanation, or just be happy that she gave me my check?

— Travel Insured

DEAR TRAVEL INSURED >> Yes, you should be happy that you received your check, and yes — you should discuss this one more time with your friend.

You should explain to her that the delay in receiving the check created a lot of worry for you. In the weeks that she had your check in her possession, you also lost the opportunity to deposit and use that substantial sum for your own needs.

You should also ask her how things are for her at home. Does she have money worries? Her husband’s tight control over her finances might make her eager to have her own independent funds. Is there a way for her to do that?

Having complete control over money can be a form of entrapment. Your friend travels with you (away from her husband and home), but does she feel stuck in other ways?

DEAR AMY >> You told “An Old-Fashioned Grand” that you have a Postit over your desk saying, “Unsolicited advice is always self-serving.”

I suggest that you put up another: “Categorical statements are always wrong.”

DEAR NOT A FAN >> I promise to follow my dictum … if you’ll follow yours.