Shaming of TikTok star highlights social media darkside
When Charli D’Amelio and her family posted a video on YouTube from their dinner, the backlash was swift.
The 16-year-old Norwalk native and TikTok star was called “rude” and worse for her request for dinosaurshaped chicken nuggets and the expressions she made behind the family private chef’s back. She lost 1 million followers on the app and received threatening messages.
“Seeing how people reacted to this—I don’t even know if I want to do this anymore,” D’Amelio said in a tearful Instagram video last month. “This is messed up stuff that people are saying, like people telling me to hang myself, People just blatantly disrespecting the fact that I’m still a human being is not okay at all.”
It’s an example—albeit an extreme one—of the pressures teens face due to social media.
The desire to impress peers and maybe even become internet famous has put additional stressors on young people as their brains, bodies and identities develop, experts said. This has led to increased mental health challenges.
“Social media has created this sort of template for an identity,” said Amber W.
Childs, acting chief of psychology for Yale New Haven Hospital. “This online template of an identity persists when you’re awake and when you’re asleep and you have to maintain it during all times.”
Youth mental health is a rising problem in the country, although the correlation between that and social media use has not been firmly proven, said David Fitzgerald, director of the UConn Health Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Outpatient Clinic.
“It’s small and variable and still requires better and replicated kinds of studies,” he said.
Across the nation 13.84 percent of youth 12 to 17 reported having at least one major depressive episode in the past year, according to Mental Health America’s latest report. This is a slight increase from the year before.
Connecticut’s rate is a bit worse, at 14.24 percent this year, compared to 13.16 percent last year.
Searching for validation through ‘likes’
Childs, who runs a support group to help youth have a better relationship with social media, recalled a teen telling her she was “canceled” because of her “devastatingly low” number of followers on Instagram.
Gaining followers or “likes” on posts are a validation of teens’ identities and make them feel meaningful and powerful, she said. But without that, teens may feel like they do not matter, leading to depression and suicidal thoughts, she said.
Valerie LePoutre has seen this, too, with the youth she works with through Connecticut’s chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
“If they don’t get enough likes, that can impact their self-esteem and their emotions,” said LePoutre, the manager of peer initiatives, education and training, who leads youth support groups for NAMI.
These feelings are somewhat natural because followers and “likes” represent inclusion and acceptance, said Kathleen Rivera, medical director with Western Connecticut Medical
Group New Milford Behavioral Health.
“There’s an instant gratification that comes when someone gets an X amount of likes or engagement with their posts and hence there’s a ‘feel good’ sensation that comes along with it,” she wrote. “It’s reassurance that they are relevant, cared for, heard and important.”
‘It’s like being canceled’
Problems can arise for teens when people do not “like” their photos, they are sent nasty messages or someone stops responding to text messages, LePoutre said.
Among the worst is when teens can see someone opened and read their message, but did not respond, Childs said.
“It's like being canceled,” she said. “It’s like effectively being cut off and no one wants to communicate with you anymore.”
Youth may sometimes face ridicule over posts or embarrassment when, perhaps, a photo meant only for one person is shared with the entire school, said Ruby Lekwauwa, medical director for Branford Adolescent Intensive Outpatient Program at Yale New Haven Psychiatric Hospital.
“I have kids who have come in depressed and suicidal because the weight of ‘How do I deal with this? It was never meant for everybody to see’ is so huge,” she said.
Social media also makes it easier for teens to compare themselves to others, Fitzgerald said.
“You can look at so many different pictures of so many different people,” he said. “We know that those aren’t always accurate images—anywhere from photo filters to just how many times did someone take that picture before they posted it.”
Young people with depression tend to compare themselves to others more often, but it’s not clear if this is a cause or side effect of depression, he said.
Youth may sometimes be more “bold,” “mean,” or “careless” on social media because they cannot see others’ facial expressions or body language, Rivera said.
“When you combine a developing, impulsive brain with the lack of in-person feedback, negative social media interactions are like
ly to occur,” she said.
Childs noted a trend of youth posting vulnerable content about bullying, suicidal thoughts or other challenges.
“Teenagers are able to experience validation where they are describing or hearing other youth talk about similar experiences,” she said.
But these posts may attract nasty comments that could make teens more depressed or suicidal, she said.
“They’re not receiving feedback, potentially if it’s needed, in a way that helps them get help,” she said.
COVID exacerbates concerns
The coronavirus pandemic has worsened these problems because young people often can no longer talk to each other at school, Lekwauwa said.
“Kids and teens are lonely,” she said. “They’re much more responsive and much
more vulnerable to negative things on social media. I think it's having a larger impact now than it used to.”
Without school, teens do not have the traditional outlet to develop their identities and become accepted by peers, said Lisa Winjum, executive director of NAMI Connecticut.
“They don’t know how they fit in when they’re not sitting at the lunch table with people or they’re not connecting in class,” she said.
The percent of youth who sought help through Mental Health America in 2020 was 9 percent higher than last year.
The pandemic has also made it harder for parents to get their kids to disconnect, Winjum said.
“That’s how they’re learning,” she said. “It’s easy for me to say ‘Spend more family time together,’ but there is an awful lot of pressure on people with
adolescent children who are in remote learning environments and parents who are working from home.”
Gaining fame
Any teen can create a TikTok or Instagram account and gain thousands and even millions of followers, but teens that don’t reach that acclaim may feel like they do not belong or have value, Childs said.
“It’s this overwhelming disaffirmation because the ‘people’ have spoken, instead of ‘You just didn’t get your lucky break,’” she said.
But being famous on social media is different than becoming a movie star.
“They’re becoming famous because you’re in their bedroom with them doing dance moves,” Childs said. “The veil between reality and their life is very thin.”
That means comments and criticism may be much more personal.
“They’re contending with a very different kind of fame than we’ve know about, so I’m not sure how it will all shake out for these folks,” she said.
Many YouTubers who became popular in the early days of the site and have since shared how the experience can be isolating and challenging, she said.
D’Amelio, whose net worth the International Business Times pegs at least $8 million, gained back the followers she lost and then some, reaching 100 million last month.
She recently published her first book, “Essentially Charli,” which she described on Instagram as being “all about ways to stay positive while navigating social media.”
Among her recommendations are “just post what you like—not simply to gain a following” and “keep some of yourself just for you—parts of your life should stay private.”
“If you post what makes you happy, then you won’t have to worry about keeping up an act,” she writes.
Advice for parents and teens
Parents should monitor and educate themselves on the apps their children use and talk to their kids early about issues such as cyberbullying, experts said.
Parents should also be aware of common coded messages that youth use, LePoutre said. For example, teens on TikTok recently used “I had pasta tonight” to mean they were feeling suicidal.
Experts recommend social media breaks for youth struggling with these issues.
“But I try to be realistic because the reality is: teens are going to use social media,” Childs said.
She encourages youth to participate in activities they value outside of the internet and tries to get them to reflect on how getting “likes” or followers affects their body and mood.
“Teenagers, who I think are very interested in feeling empowered to have some command over their lives in whatever ways are possible, I think get really energized by the idea that they might be able to kind of affect their own mood or their own circumstances a little bit differently,” Childs said.