Facing parents’ divorce causes anger

Dear Amy: I’m a 30-something whose parents (both in their 60s) are on the edge of divorce. Their marital discord has affected me my whole life.

As children, my siblings and I listened to their frequent fights and bickering. Unfortunately, their dissatisfaction with their lives translated into my father making us feel like he didn’t like us very much, and my mother leaning too heavily on us for emotional support. This dynamic has continued into adulthood.

Over the past two years, my father has spent much of his time living in another state, coming home only in the summertime and during holidays. He recently visited and my mother intimated to us kids that she wants a divorce.

I am a mess of emotions — anger and sadness. I wish they would have divorced long ago. I wish they were better communicators and kinder to one another. I wish they never let their problems become our problems.

I don’t know what to expect or how to deal with what’s next. Even though I realize everyone would likely be better off if they divorce, it is still very painful.

And what if my mom backs out, as she has been known to do? I am hurt and resentful that their marital strife has played too big a role in my life, both as a child and as an adult. I’ve hit a breaking point.

What can I do? How do I face what happens next?

Adult Child of Divorce

Dear Adult: Facing your parents’ divorce will naturally make you revisit your childhood feelings and emotions — including sadness that it is happening, as well as anger that it didn’t happen sooner. These two emotions seem to be in conflict, which makes things more confusing for you.

But you are no more responsible for their relationship than they are for any of your relationships. You should seek insight into how to create healthy boundaries with them. I think it’s appropriate for you to express your disappointment in their choices over the years. Perhaps they will acknowledge this and ask for forgiveness — probably not.

You cannot do their emotional work for them. You cannot undo their regrettable actions.

You CAN do you. Therapy would help you navigate through this passage.