Hicks’ coming out is a story of hope
Bryan Hicks started officiating local hockey games when he was 12 years old. At 13, he was already flying out to Calgary for the Western Hockey League officiating school.
By 16, Hicks, who grew up in Orange and attended Amity High, was officiating tennis. He became the youngest chair umpire in U.S. Open history at age 18. He would work Wimbledon. He would work the Australian Open. He got barked at by John McEnroe during a World TeamTennis match.
“There was a funny picture of it in the LA Times,” Hicks said.
He went on to referee more than 400 NCAA Division I hockey games for men and women over 11 years. He was selected for five NCAA women’s Frozen Fours and twice worked the NCAA men’s national tournament.
I knew who Bryan Hicks was. Over the years, he worked the Pilot Pen in New Haven. He worked more than 100 hockey games involving Quinnipiac and Yale.
Until Wednesday, I didn’t know Bryan Hicks. And when we had finished talking, my predominant feeling was one of hope. His story, one he first told a day earlier on the Outsports website, gives evidence we are headed in the right direction. Lord knows we need all the good news we can get in 2020.
Hiding his secret for 20 years, Hicks, his marriage failing, slipped into depression, found himself not even wanting to be on the ice anymore. On a flight to Chicago for World TeamTennis, he watched “Love, Simon,” a movie about a gay high school senior exposed by a classmate. Overwhelmed with emotions, Hicks wrote in Outsports that he knew what he needed to do.
He told his mom and
immediately broke into tears. He told his family. This was 2018. On a ride to Cornell he wrote how he told his closest officiating partners. The response from one? “That’s nice. Where we having chicken parm for lunch?”
So much of the fear had been in his head.
And now here we were a day after the Outsports piece talking about him growing up in Orange with his mom and stepdad and young brother. How he loved sports and won conference honors as a fouryear varsity hockey goalie and senior captain at Amity. How he realized he wasn’t going to be Patrick Roy or Martin Brodeur, so maybe he could be Bill McCreary or Andy Van Hellemond.
“My goal was to be an NHL referee,” Hicks said.
It was in his junior year at Amity that he started to realize he was attracted to boys as well as girls. Hearing the gay slurs that long have been a part of locker room banter, he wrote that it was reinforced in his head if you weren’t straight and going after girls you weren’t a hockey player.
And so Hickey buried his truths in sport for a long time, a very long time. He worked a ton of hockey games as a young teen and found his passion. His quick judgment and communication skills were among his attributes and they served him well. He had played a little tennis and took some lessons. He pushed. He went to officiating clinics. There was a need for new officials. Rich Kauffman, then director of officials for the USTA, gave him opportunities at local tournaments. His first real assignment, at 17, came when an official got sick in Boston. Hicks did a credible job. He worked some smaller USTA circuit tournaments.
He had the opportunity to go the ITF school in Decatur, Illinois, weeks after his high school graduation. He and a friend, Chris Wilson, drove out, hitting a few tournaments along the way and he gained certification. Hicks went to the U.S. Open and worked a few rounds and was invited to Wimbledon the following year.
His first professional tournament was at the Pilot Pen in New Haven. His first match involved an unknown Belgian named Justine Henin.
“She ended up being a pretty good player,” Hicks said of the former world No. 1.
Hicks married. He had two children. He had a home. He wrote in Outsports that he was living what appeared to the “American Dream.” He was hiding his truths and it was taking its toll.
“Officiating had given me peace,” said Hicks, 38. “I was always happy to be on the ice or on the court, focused and involved. It gave me the escape to turn off everything else. Not wondering was someone catching a look from me that I was trying to hide.
“I was driving to a game in October 2017. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be on the ice. I said to my partner this was not going to be good game for me. My head is not here. That really told me I had to be true to myself and what I had to do. That did give me that moment of, wow, I need to do something.”
In March 2018, working the ECAC championship and the men’s NCAA Tournament, he announced he was retiring from refereeing. Still, he did not come out. That changed later that year with the flight and the movie and telling his family. Yes, there were fears. No, he does not carry regrets.
“A reason I think I am very, very lucky to not have any anger or regret about waiting 20 years is because I have amazing kids,” Hicks said. “They wouldn’t have existed if I had taken a different path. I can’t be mad at myself. I can’t be close to upset in any way. My kids have given me an amazing experience to see them grow up. I can’t look back and say I wish I had done this or done that. As soon as I start to go down that road, I would lose all the joy and happiness they have brought me.”
Hicks’ son is 10. His daughter is 5. He said his son is fully aware and understanding of his dad’s path through life.
“The one thing my exwife and I did try to be as open and honest with them as possible,” Hicks said. “My daughter is starting to understand more. Living with my boyfriend, they have rooms here. It’s part of their normal life. My son has a full grasp of what’s taking place, what the journey was, why there was the divorce.
“I could never ask for a more supportive person than my ex-wife. We made the decision when we were getting divorced that the kids were coming first. By putting them first in all decisions, we have an amazing relationship. She and my boyfriend, David, have a good relationship as well. I couldn’t ask for a better situation with the trying times that there were. I know it was not easy for her obviously, or for us as a family, but coming out the other side I think it is as good as it could be.”
Hicks is a standard testing coordinator for Fair Lawn, New Jersey, schools. He remains director of officiating and operations for World TeamTennis. Yet his appointment last year as director of officiating for women’s ECAC hockey is what most moved him to speak publicly of his journey.
“I had been very hesitant,” Hicks said. “I had several conversations with friends and with my boyfriend. I sat on the sidelines for 20 years, really wondered, and let fear — basically what was between my ears — make the determination of what other people were going to feel or think.
“Hockey is very much the rough, tough sport and to have an opportunity be in a leadership position with ECAC hockey and be fully out and fully known by the league coaches and players and still get appointed I think really did show we have taken steps on the journey. I don’t think that is something across the board that will always happen. There are some biases and some people who have certain thoughts, but it does show we’ve taken steps in the right direction.”
One day there will be no need for stories of people in sports coming out. And while the surprising nature of such announcements has lessened over the years, the long-term ramifications on career hiring, health benefits and all that it means to have equality is a book yet to be written.
“When I refereed hockey and tennis, no one knew I was gay,” Hicks said. “I hadn’t talked to a soul about it. I had not tried anything. I had not experimented. I was 100 percent straight to the real world, if you will. The things I accomplished were through hard work and dedication.
“When I came out and let everyone know what was taking place, and to still be able to be in position to work with World TeamTennis and get the appointment with the ECAC really showed sexuality was not the determining factor. It’s going to be the hard work and the interpersonal connections that determine what you can or cannot achieve.
“I know it will not be the same experience for everyone. There’s going to be situations where people or organizations will make certain decisions because people are gay or lesbian. But you know what? If we can have people putting their right foot forward and being who they are, I think they can find peace and happiness and potentially achieve things they wouldn’t be able to do if there are questions still in their head and they lack self-confidence.”
So Bryan Hicks, former Amity goalie, referee, chair umpire, educator and administrator, says he continues his mission to leave things better than he found it. And if his story makes the difference in just one person’s life — even if he never knows about it?
“It’s worth it,” he said.