Spouse is resigned to nights on couch
Dear Amy: I am approaching 70. My wife (71) and I have seen our marriage steadily decline into a relationship more like roommates than spouses.
We met while working together in the media. She eventually was laid off (for business reasons) and took it personally. I still work in that industry (and have for the last 47 years). My wife never wants to talk with me about work, because she’s still resentful about how she was pushed out years ago.
In fact, we talk very little about anything. We have had zero intimacy for four years, and while she sleeps in the bed, I stay on the couch all night because she refuses to stop watching videos on her phone while I try to sleep.
I handle the finances since she refuses to even talk about money.
She’s not working, nor does she want to anymore, but she spends without consideration for our bank balance.
When I asked her, “What about this (marriage) makes you want to continue it?” she said, “We’ve put in 20-some years” (it’s 35).
She’s only looking backward. I focus on forward. Because my wife only has a meager Social Security income, it would put her in a huge financial bind if I left.
I’m not cruel enough to do that. She vowed to never move in with any of our three adult children if I weren’t around (death, divorce, etc.).
Bottom line: I believe she sees marriage with me only as a suitable alternative to being alone and completely broke. Mortified Husband
in Michigan
Dear Mortified: If you two split your wife would likely not be left with only her meager Social Security income. Your state is an “equitable distribution” state, meaning that the courts would look at your marital assets (all the assets acquired during your 35-year marriage) and decide how to fairly distribute these assets.
You seem sincere in wanting your marriage to change, and your question to your wife (“What about this marriage makes you want to continue it”) is a great one. It’s a shame her answer wasn’t more positive or illuminating.
You portray your wife as completely stuck, but you sound stuck, too.
A couples’ counselor could help both of you to make a rational choice about your future.
Ask Amy,
P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. e-mail: askamy@tribune.com