Wife can’t forgive in-law’s adultery

Dear Amy: Several years ago, my mother-in-law, “Betsy,” was unfaithful. This tore their family apart. More than once, Betsy asked my husband to “break the bad news” to “Anthony,” (his dad), and to comfort his father when he was devastated. I was furious with her. My parents were abusive during my childhood. My in-laws had always been wonderful. I saw them as a “replacement” for my broken family. Betsy destroyed that.

After she decided to stop running around, her husband welcomed her back immediately and acted like nothing had ever happened.

My father-in-law told me that I was also to act like nothing had ever happened, and that this was forgiveness. That directive destroyed any remaining feelings I had for either of them.

I have made peace with this, but the respect I used to have for them is gone.

They want it all to be puppy dogs and rainbows again, but I am not capable of that.

I am polite; I go to family gatherings, but it feels like a chore. My husband tells me he understands (he is disappointed, too), but I know he would like me to be friendlier. I just can’t.

I would feel best not having to be around them at all, but we want our kids to see their grandparents.

What would you recommend?

Unforgiving?

Dear Unforgiving?:

Because of your personal history, you set great store on your in-laws to be the perfect parents that you never had. Unfortunately, they turned out to be the imperfect parents that many of us have.

Among the mistakes they made were to involve their son as a go-between in their marriage. They also seem to be insisting that you erase your memory bank and carry on as if this family drama had never happened.

Ideally, they would also involve you in the solution by telling you: “We are working out our problems within the marriage. We hope that you will hang in there with us while we do that.”

The way for you to recover from this is not to drink a cup of “instant forgiveness,” but to explore your own capacity for forgiveness. As ever, true forgiveness would benefit you more than them. Your goal should be to arrive at a nuanced and mature understanding.