At least one fabric of society is shrinking

I have a theory ... a conspiracy theory. I know there’s been a national outcry lately about conspiracy theories, and I hesitate to use that term because I might get arrested or put under surveillance by the new head of the FBI, J. Edgar Zuckerberg.

But after months of investigation, I have to go public with my findings about a plot that I suspect involves the U.S. government, Big Tech, little tech, China, the garment district, the textile workers union and the Kardashians. You heard me right.

Even though I should go off the record, I’m willing to share my findings with a few loyal readers.

Here’s the problem: My clothes are shrinking, and I’m convinced there’s a conspiracy behind it. I can’t find a pair of pants that fits anymore and I haven’t gained weight ... . I swear!

Here’s my theory: U.S. clothing brands have been manufacturing their products oversees for decades to cut costs and avoid oversight by the Commerce Department, NASA, the FDA, the CIA, Vogue and whoever else is responsible for regulating clothes shrinkage. Everyone knows what’s going on, but nobody does anything about it. It’s worse than climate change, and President Joe Biden has to step up to the plate.

I’m urging him to sign an executive order banning clothes shrinkage. I know the media is complaining about all those orders he’s been signing, but they’re a good thing because they prove we don’t need Congress. We’re all getting tired of the squabbling anyway. We could turn the Capitol into the international headquarters for Starbucks and put the savings toward the $3 trillion federal deficit. Or perhaps a headquarters for Popeyes?

I’m not the first American to shed light on this crisis. I still recall the outcry from that celebrated small businessman George Jefferson in an episode of “The Jeffersons,” when he tried on his suit and the pants wouldn’t reach around his waist.

His wife Louise said he had to lose weight, but George insisted that HE didn’t expand — the clothes shrank.

I’ve seen evidence of this phenomenon in my own life and the lives of many other unsuspecting Americans. After all, George knew what he was talking about because he owned a chain of dry cleaners, and if there’s any force in the known and unknown universe that shrinks clothes, it’s dry cleaning. Throw in some starch and you have a formula for disaster.

I’m also convinced clothes are shrinking when we’re not watching them. If that isn’t a conspiracy, I don’t know what is. Maybe the Russians are colluding again. Have you seen how ill-fitting Putin’s suits are? The sleeves are too long. Clearly, the man needs a good Italian tailor.

Last month, I took five pairs of khakis that I’d never worn to Goodwill because they didn’t fit. They had pleats and cuffs, which my daughters insisted would get me arrested if I wore them in public. I willingly gave them away so someone else would get arrested.

The pants shrank even before I tried to wear them. Trust me: When no one is looking, clothes are shrinking in the closet.

Of course, nowadays it’s fashionable to wear tight clothes. Take a walk around Manhattan, and you’ll see hordes of young corporate ladder-climbers wearing suits that make them look like they’re ballet dancers in “Swan Lake.” The pants are skin-tight, and they can barely button their jackets.

Prince Harry wore one when he was sharing family secrets with Oprah. Did you notice his pants were three inches short? Strike one. Even though Britain was a great naval power, there’s nothing the royal family hates more than high-water pants.

I’ve never met a fellow who was happy wearing tight trousers. It defies the laws of physics and digestion. However, it might be different for women. Just look at the Kardashians. They love tight-fitting clothes. The problem with them isn’t shrunken fabric — it’s too little fabric.

Many Americans are confronting this crisis because of the obesity epidemic in our country. Last week when I went to buy a sweat shirt, I couldn’t find a size medium. There was only X-large, XXlarge and XXX-large. I don’t know what comes after that because Roman numerals confuse me. Nevertheless, I bought the X-large because I knew that by the time I got home, it would be medium. And it was.