Love at first site?
I have an embarrassing confession to make. My dating life was stunted in high school — a date here, a date there and generally they were disastrous and involved a lot of anxiety, sweating and clammy hands. Nothing turns a girl off more than clammy hands.
Some guys need a stiff shot of Jack Daniels to make it through a date. I needed a stiff shot of Pepto Bismol.
However, to quote Bob Dylan, “The times they are still a-changin’.” Though I’m married and have four daughters (with my wife, by the way) and three grandchildren, I’m getting offers for dates.
Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not on Match.com, Tinder, SilverSingles or any of those wildly popular dating sites. The romantic offers arrive every day in my junk email folder.
Suddenly, I feel like I could compete with George Clooney and Brad Pitt. I never thought there could be so many exciting opportunities to meet members of the opposite sex, who judging from their grammar and syntax probably live somewhere north of Siberia. So what? In my book, good grammar takes a back seat to true love any day ... and I taught grammar.
I’m getting asked out by women I don’t even know and who obviously don’t know me because they call me “Dearest,” “Beloved,” “My love” and “Lovest.” Is that even a word?
They’re probably thinking, “Wow, wouldn’t he be a great guy to take to Popeyes for Cajun wings and afterward for Pepto Bismol martinis? He’s engaging, sensitive, bald and best of all, funny!”
For decades, I’ve heard what women want most in a man is a sense of humor. But nobody ever told my wife. She didn’t want a comedian, she wanted a handyman. Instead of listening to jokes, she always wants to talk about yard work. Bummer.
Nevertheless, here I am. A regular barrel of laughs, or barrel of monkeys or whatever that barrel is filled with.
I’ve also read studies that say women don’t care if a guy is bald. Now, THAT’S really funny. The people who did that research were probably the same ones who said Hillary Clinton had a 90 percent chance of winning the 2016 election.
I never realized junk email could be such a treasure trove of romantic adventures, business opportunities and charitable causes. There are so many ways to find love, so many ways to give away money, so many ways to make money and so many ways to get fleeced.
Since I’m married and gainfully employed, I’ll share these opportunities with anyone looking for a date or extra income. Last week, I got an email from the daughter of the late Col. Gaddafi of Libya. (How would you like to show up at his door to take out his daughter? I’d need a whole bottle of Pepto Bismol.)
Ms. Gaddafi, who was a lieutenant colonel in the Libyan army, wrote a personal email to me that said:
“Dear Friend,
I came across your e-mail prior to a private search while in need of your assistance. My name is Aisha Gaddafi, a single mother with three children. (I am the only biological daughter of late Libyan President Colonel Gaddafi).”
She must be a loyal reader of this column. How else could she get my email address?Anyway, she wants to have a business arrangement with me, and all I need is $27.5 million, so I called my banker to see if she could lend me the money, but she needs to ask her boss.
The next day, someone named Amanda emailed me:
“Hello, Dear. Talk to me, love. Can I talk to you please?”
I’m not going near that offer. For all I know, Amanda could be Nancy Pelosi.
Then, Linda emailed me: “Hi, my love. Nice to meet you. Am Miss Linda. I found your email in google search and I picked interest to contact you. I’ve something very important which I like to discuss you and tell you more about me with my photos and my phone numbers as fellows?”
Mrs. Flora Hippolite said she wanted to have a “Personal and Trustworthy Relationship.”
And Jennifer at PINCHme wanted, I think, to be pinched.
Love, romance, excitement. It’s all there, including business opportunities that could make me rich overnight. All I have to do is tap into my retirement savings and send checks to Mrs. Hippolite, PINCHme and the Gaddafi Foundation. Gonna call my banker right now.