Life still dominated by controlling ex

Dear Abby: I was married for almost 20 years to a jealous, controlling man. “Pete” was emotionally abusive, which I didn’t really notice because I’m not confrontational. Toward the end of our marriage, I realized how isolated I had become. I had pushed most of my friends and family away. They didn’t visit because of Pete’s negative attitude.

Our daughter developed an illness in her teens that requires 24-hour care. Her illness didn’t necessarily upset him; what did upset him is the attention she would require in the future. He would say things like, “She’s ruining our retirement. I was looking forward to having you to myself and not having to deal with anyone.” This was when I realized how controlling he was. I filed for divorce.

A year afterward, I started seeing an old friend I’ll call “Darren,” someone my husband had often accused me of cheating with. (He did that with any man.) I really like Darren and can see a future.

Pete is now saying that if I date Darren, it’s proof that I cheated on him. So I broke up with Darren because I refuse to accept him being labeled as the person who broke up my marriage. What would you do?

Keeping the Story Straight

Dear Keeping: What would I do? I would, once and for all, quit allowing my ex to control me! I’d call Darren and talk with him about why I ended the relationship and ask if he would consider resuming where the two of us left off. If he is willing, I would move forward. If he isn’t, I’d find a psychotherapist who could give me tools to avoid my ex’s manipulations in the future. Dear Abby: My partner and I have a wonderful relationship, but there is one area of contention. I like a firm mattress. She likes a soft mattress. We bought an adjustable bed, so each of us could fine-tune the settings.

It has been a month now, and I hate the new mattress. I cannot get comfortable. It’s so bad I find myself sleeping in another room. Sleeping apart causes anxiety between us, and it has been confusing and stressful for our animals. How do we solve this?

Yawning in Arizona

Dear Yawning: Visit the store from which you purchased that bed and find out if you need a lesson on how to operate the mattress. (You won’t be the first.) If your discomfort persists, sell the bed and replace it with two twin or queen mattresses so you can at least share the room.