Make government use collection basket

The new year began, and we still didn’t have collection envelopes in our church. Last year, we didn’t get them until March, which you might say is a good thing if you want to cut back during these economically challenged times. I think that’s the socially acceptable way to describe what we’re going through.

Is this another one of those supply chain issues? (I thought the president solved that.) I’m worried that the box of envelopes with my name on it is stranded on a freighter from China off the coast of California.

The only way to get action is for me to write a customer-service complaint to Supreme Supremacist Xi Jinping, general secretary of the Communist Party and paramount leader of China, urging him to send my envelopes by balloon, which seems to be the only reliable supply chain service. I’ll also send a letter to Nancy Pelosi, who’s an upstanding Catholic and surely understands the urgency.

How could this happen? I can understand a delay in mango imports from Mexico or sushi imports from Japan or toilet paper imports from Canada, but not this. Did you know the United States is the top importer of toilet paper in the world? If those shipments were three months overdue, we’d have a big problem, and the government would force us to ration. People all across the country would be demanding their toilet paper … but as far as I can tell, there’s no demand for the collection envelopes except from our pastor.

With the envelopes, you can elect to give $10, $20, $30 or “Other,” which I suppose means $5 or $500. Without the envelopes, people toss in spare change and singles when the basket is passed.

You may have heard that Catholics are notorious for not giving as much as Protestants, but what you probably didn’t know is Catholics usually have more than one collection, including the weekly collection, the monthly collection, the pope collection, the schools collection, the heating oil collection, the Vatican heating oil collection, and the natural gas collection for German bishops.

I’m convinced the lack of envelopes has caused a drop in revenues, which is made worse by the hard times we’re living in. There’s just not enough money to go around.

Eighty percent of our mail and 70 percent of our phone calls are solicitations. Everyone wants money, and everyone wants money from people who don’t have money. We get a half dozen calls a day because they haven’t learned to leave us ordinary working people, retirees and working retirees alone. Go see Jeff Bezos for a handout. Or the congresspersons who got rich last year with their stock deals.

I have a proposal that can solve this. Let’s give to the nonprofits, churches, synagogues, and mosques, and let’s make the government solicit donations. Instead of indiscriminately taxing us, wouldn’t it be great if the government had to hustle for cash the way nonprofits do?

Wouldn’t it be great if instead of pickpocketing your paycheck or your Social Security check, they had to plead with you for a donation? Wouldn’t it be great if our elected officials, instead of just tapping into our savings, had to call you on the phone, requesting contributions for the United States or the State of Connecticut? (Thank goodness there’s caller ID.)

I can assure you of two things. They would spend a lot less, and they would spend a lot more wisely. Then, we’d have enough left over for truly worthy causes.

Let the White House and Congress hold a national Telethon to Fund America. Jerry Lewis worked hard for those dollars; they should too. Imagine this scenario:

“Hi, America! This is Joe Biden, and we’re going to have to hustle to reach this year’s goal of $6 trillion. We have Pete Buttigieg, Kamala Harris and Mitch McConnell working the phones. And there’s Hillary! Hi, Hillary! Wait, Pete just got a $100,000 gift from George Soros. And Mitch is flagging me. Elon Musk pledged $75,000. That’s chump change for those guys. C’mon you can do better. Do your patriotic duty! And remember, everyone who makes a pledge gets a complimentary roll of Charmin … in case there’s a shortage.”

When our legislators aren’t in session, instead of having those notorious town meetings, they should sit outside churches the way the Ladies’ Guild and Knights of Columbus do, selling raffle tickets, Bundt cakes and Rice Krispies Treats. I’d buy a raffle ticket for a tour of the Lincoln Bedroom or Joe Biden’s garage or Mar-a-Lago.

Congress should also turn to telemarketing:

Rrrrrring “Hello, Joanna, this is Senator Christopher Baciagaloop, and I’m going to tell you why it’s important for you to make a donation to the federal government. We have a lot of exciting spending programs we want to roll out this year, but we need your help. The IRS has even made it possible for you to make Uncle Sam a beneficiary in your will so that our work can continue long after you’re gone. I’m begging you to give to this worthy cause.”

Now that I think about it, I’d rather donate my money to pay for the pope’s heating oil.