Wife starts to resent man’s demands for gifts

DEARABBY » I feel uncomfortable receiving gifts, and I find it hard tomeet my husband’s requests for constant gifts, especially when I feel I already give somuch. He constantly asks me to buy him things, some of which are very expensive.

I’m a saver, not a spender, and I try to watch my budget. I already pay all the household bills, even though we make the same amount of money. I owned my house before we met, and he chips in with occasional upgrades andmaintenance or takes me out to dinner once in a while. But I pay for the vast majority of expenses, aswell as perform the majority of chores.

The problem is, he seems to feel unappreciated, suggesting that if I gifted him more often, he would know he was constantly thought of. He says he buys me random gifts — usually small items to which there are strings attached or implied reciprocity. These requests, especially when he buys for himself quite a bit, seem like a smack in the face to me.

How do I handle meeting my husband’s need for constant validation without going bankrupt or having all the love sucked out from resentment?

— Excessive inNew York

DEAREXCESSIVE » If my reading of your letter is accurate, you are doing all the heavy lifting in your marriage. Whether your husband is greedy, selfish or extremely needy, I can’t guess, but the balance is off in your marriage. This is why I’m recommending you consult a marriage and family therapist. If your husband is willing to go with you and discuss these issues, they can be resolved. If not, please go alone so you can gain clearer insight into what you are dealing with.