Couple works to overcome revelation of man’s affair
DEAR ABBY » I have been married to my husband for 13 years. He has lied about little things and also about emotional relationships he has had with co-workers. It went on for years, as he moved from one job to another.
A few months ago, I found out from the other woman that he’d had a sexual affair with her. He had been in counseling for months prior because of what he said were mental health issues. In reality, it was because of his guilt.
We are now in marriage counseling and individual counseling, as well. I don’t know if it will help because he has been a gaslighter for years. Please tell me what you think.
— Patient Wife
in Minnesota
DEAR WIFE » Give the counseling a try. But because of your husband’s long history of lying to you, things will have to drastically change in your relationship. Until trust can be established, his life must be an open book — including his phone messages, texts and credit card statements. That he felt enough guilt that he started counseling is a hopeful sign, but there are no guarantees that your marriage can be saved.
DEAR ABBY » This message is for all those wellmeaning people who ask women if they plan on having children (or more of them). Just don’t! They may not want children or the inevitable discussion about why they have made that choice. They might be “one and done,” and that’s OK, too. They may be trying without success or had miscarriages. Or they might even be pregnant but not ready to announce it to anyone.
The last time I was asked was the day I found out I was pregnant. I lost the pregnancy a month later. This line of questioning is not meant to be anything more than curious and kind, but at best it can be uncomfortable, and at worst, painful. Thanks for letting me vent.
— Careful in Connecticut
DEAR CAREFUL » You’re welcome. You have stated it well, and I agree with you. Another common question that can be emotionally loaded is, “Do you HAVE children?” For someone who has lost a child, or has one in rehab or in jail, a truthful answer can also be painful.
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