You’re not ready for divorce if …

his is the time of year when engagements happen and wedding dates are set. The emphasis has been on dating, courting, falling in love and finding that one with whom you can “live happily ever after.” And that is usually where the romance novel or the movie script ends. But what about the rest of your life? The stories in the books or the movies seldom go past the wedding. And that, of course, is where the work of marriage begins.

A man thinks his partner will never change. A woman thinks she can make some changes in her partner. Nobody tells us the greatest gift of love is to give the other the freedom to be themselves.

When that does not happen, a partner feels judged, criticized, unimportant, not valued, even trapped, as if they cannot breathe. That is when the caring habits of support, encouragement, listening, accepting, trusting and respecting fall by the wayside. And blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening and punishing creep into the relationship.

It then becomes easy to look outside the relationship and be vulnerable to someone who tells you that you are wonderful just like you are! And without some kind of outside intervention and help, divorce soon may become an option.

If you are considering divorce, here are some thoughts from men and women who chose it and what they now know.

•You are not ready for divorce if you don’t want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions.

•You are not ready for divorce if you cannot accept your children’s sadness and anger and if you are not willing to accept another man or woman living with and helping parent your children.

•You are not ready for divorce if you cannot accept times of insecurity, fear and the unknown, or if you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Ponder.