Mom takes needless risks following her child’s suicide

My fiancee has a death wish. She recently lost her youngest child to suicide. She’s in a lot of pain and rarely has a good day. She suffers from PTSD and relives the scene daily in her mind.

Abby, I’m worried because she does things that put her in danger, like staying at her son’s grave alone at night for hours. She told me recently she’s planning to go out of state to visit her other son and then spend six days by herself camping and hiking. She also goes jogging alone late at night and leaves her doors unlocked.

It seems she just doesn’t care about what may happen. She says don’t worry, but I’m terrified that one day something will happen. She’s not someone who would put up a fight.

We’re recently engaged and I care deeply about her and her safety, but I’m helpless to say anything because she just gets mad. I don’t know what to do.

Your fiancee is in the throes of grief. It is not unusual for people who have lost a loved one —particularly a child —to wonder if life is still worth living and to engage either consciously or subconsciously in risk-taking behavior. A licensed psychotherapist or a suicide support group could help her to recognize what she’s doing and to get through this. Seeing others who have experienced what she has and who are further along in the grieving process would be helpful.

If she’s resistant to the idea, offer to go with her. The American Federation for Suicide Prevention (afsp.org) can help you find resources in your state.

The husbands of both my two daughters asked for my blessing prior to asking my girls to marry them. I felt what they did was respectful and it was very much appreciated.

I believe this courtesy replaced what in the “olden days” was a request for PERMISSION from the father rather than a blessing and, in my opinion, is more appropriate. If I am correct in my assumption that “permission” has evolved to “blessing,” I wonder if it would have been more appropriate for them to have asked my wife and me together for our blessing. Your thoughts?

Men asked permission of fathers to marry their daughters in “olden days” because the daughters were considered property. They could not marry without their father’s consent. Thankfully, those customs are long gone —in western society, at least. Please stop second-guessing your sons-in-law, who both seem like gems to me. Many couples today forgo the courtesy altogether.