Death: One more of life’s ‘pay me’ occasions
I received a letter from a friend soliciting donations for a co-worker of hers whose stepmother had died. There was nothing in the letter indicating what the money was needed for, or if it would go to a charity — only a reference to a funding website. As far as I know, the family is not needy, and all the children are grown and supporting themselves.
I’ve never heard of a situation like this. Am I just clueless or is this a typical request?
Unfortunately, many people now think of friendship as a payas-they-go proposition. Every step of life — birth, birthdays, graduations, engagement, marriage and the birth cycle again — seems to require a payment. Not a thoughtful, symbolic present chosen to please that specific person, mind you, but a simple payment.
And yes, Miss Manners regrets to say that many have added death as a fundraising opportunity. It began with the reasonable notion of avoiding a surfeit of flowers by suggesting a charitable donation to a cause connected with the deceased’s interests or illness. To this was added the kindness of collecting money in cases where the bereavement was a severe financial blow.
But now it seems to be turning into an automatic assumption that the bereaved need to be paid. Miss Manners would think that solvent people would be offended at the idea that money is some sort of compensation for a death.
Next month, I am hosting a graduation party for my stepdaughter. Her mother has felt the need to invite several of her friends to the party without asking me. When I asked my stepdaughter if she wanted them there, she said, ‘’They might bring money.’’
I am appalled at her attitude that a graduation party is a money grab. Should I foot the bill?
Yes, Miss Manners is as appalled as you that your stepdaughter regards her graduation party as a financial opportunity and believes guest lists of graduation parties should consist of graduates and their friends.
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