Abusive adoptive mother has no right to daughter’s money
DEAR ABBY: I am 41 years old and was adopted at birth. I was raised by an unloving woman who was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. I persevered, worked hard, and now have a loving husband and a beautiful son. We live a comfortable and peaceful life.
My adoptive mother, on the other hand, expects me to hand her financial support every month and pay for her extravagant lifestyle. She did not save for herself, as I was her “investment.” She doesn’t ask, Abby; she demands. She believes that if not for her “taking me away from the slums as a child,” I wouldn’t be where I am in life now.
The financial burden she has guilted me into is putting a strain on my marriage and our plans to save for a stable future. I am depressed beyond words. It doesn’t help that I still carry resentment for having been severely mistreated as a child.
Her words are vile whenever she doesn’t get “her” money, and she couldn’t care less about me or my son. I have no love for her, but I feel for her in her old age. Please help.
— Strained Relationship DEAR STRAINED RELATIONSHIP: Here’s what to do. Realize that when good parents adopt a baby, they do it NOT because of what that baby will do for them, but for what they can give to that child. Then tell your abuser she won’t be getting another penny and cut off all communication.
You do not “owe” her anything, so do not allow yourself to be bullied or guilted into being her ATM machine.
DEAR ABBY: I have a 6-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son who have no modesty. I don’t make a big deal about private parts. They sometimes bathe together and jump in the shower with me or my husband. Because of this, they’ll get into our pool naked. Our backyard is private. No one can see in, so I have no problem with it.
However, when my in-laws are in town, they are appalled and turn it into a big deal. Then my husband freaks out, scolds the kids and makes them put their clothes on.
If my husband didn’t want them swimming naked, then the kids should have been told before their grandparents arrived.
Am I too laid-back, or are my in-laws too uptight and we should just let the kids be kids and have fun?
— Unashamed in Florida DEAR UNASHAMED: You are not too laid-back, and your in-laws may not be too uptight. I do think it’s hypocritical of your husband to reprimand the children for doing something that’s usually acceptable. He should explain to the kids that when “company” comes, they will need to cover up.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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