Happiness is something we do, not get

Self-help books, websites, blogs and a variety of social media are published for the purpose of telling us how to be happy.

Lose weight, have a makeover, tone your abs, take Viagra and have more sex, nip and tuck, join a dating site, find the right partner, or buy the latest self-help book and happiness will be yours.

Unfortunately, we have lost sight of the fact that it is not something outside ourselves that will make us happy.

Happiness is not something we get; happiness is something we have to do. It is an attitude that says we take responsibility for our life, followed by a willingness to make changes.

But instead of making changes, we too often settle for being unhappy, and we whine. “If only my adult children would pay more attention to me, then I wouldn’t be depressed.” “If only I could find a partner, then I’d know I was important.” “If only I could lose 20 pounds, then people would want to spend time with me.”

Or, we let ourselves off the hook when we do something foolish by saying, “I couldn’t help myself.” The truth is we can all help ourselves. Brazilian author Paulo Coelho, says, “When you repeat a mistake, then it’s not a mistake anymore. It’s a decision.”

So why not make a different decision? If you are acting in a way that leaves you feeling bad inside, ask yourself: Why do I keep being unkind to myself, or someone else? What is it I am getting out of behaving that way? What do I need to stop doing? What new behaviors can I learn?

It may take some time and some hard work, but it is possible to learn how to make yourself happy. Then others can enjoy being around you.

Charlotte Lankard is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. Contact her at clankard@opubco.com.