Making an exit?
QUESTION: First, thank you for your 20-40-60 Etiquette columns. I have a genuine, but uncomfortable, question for your panel:
At sporting events, theaters and the like, I will occasionally need to move down the aisle and past a multitude of people. Most people choose to sit vs. stand as I shimmy past. With them choosing to sit, it either puts my front side or my back side directly in front of their face. As an adult male, this is always an uncomfortable situation for me, and I assume for them. I always apologize as I pass. Ultimately, they could choose to stand and prevent this situation altogether — I do so when anyone passes me — but I am not comfortable asking someone to stand when I’m already inconveniencing them. My question is, when passing folks who choose to sit, is there a better side of my body to turn away from them, or is there a passing etiquette that I’m completely ignorant of and which you could enlighten me?
— Sincerely, Uncomfortable Passer CALLIE’S ANSWER: It is best to face away from the individual you are passing, even if they are sitting down. I understand how awkward this is; we all feel the awkwardness. There is not much you can do, but it’s nice of you to think about it!
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: First, I think everyone understands this awkwardness. We’ve all been on both ends of it (doing the passing or being passed.)
Maybe they didn’t choose the ideal option of standing as you passed because they didn’t see you coming in time. But it doesn’t really matter why. They’re seated, and you have to get by them. I think you scoot by the best you can, apologetically. If it feels more natural to face them, then do so, or if it feels better facing forward, toward the seats in the row in front of them, then pick that option. In one direction, you can apologize and smile while looking them in the eye. Facing the other, you can hold onto the seats in front of them for balance as you slide by. Neither way is graceful, and both ways are awkward, but the more you can do to make it easier on the people you’re passing, the better. And maybe all you can do is acknowledge their brief discomfort with an “excuse me.”
HELEN’S ANSWER: We can always hope that the person in the seat will stand to allow more room for you, but that is not always the case. So, face the front and get by them the best that you can. It seems uncomfortable to face them as you are passing.
Thanks for bringing this to our attention. Readers, any thoughts?
GUEST’S ANSWER: Kirsten Cash, speech-language pathologist:
The circumstance you describe is a very common one and awkward for all involved. There are differing opinions out there depending on who the expert is and whether they favor European (back to the stage) or American (front to the stage) etiquette on this matter. My thoughts land in the middle depending on the situation.
First of all, I agree with you. The seated patron should stand as you pass, allow his seat to fold and step back into his seat as much as possible if he is easily capable of doing so. However, I only feel he should stand if the show has not begun or if it is intermission or some other moment in which an usher allows you to go to your seat. Once, the show is on, standing disrupts the view and appreciation of those in the rows behind yours. In this situation, it would be considerate to shift your legs over to one side to allow extra room for the passing guest. You cannot and should not ask the seated patrons to stand. It is presumptive to do so as you do not know the physical capability of those seated. They may have difficulty standing due to age or ailment that you are not able to determine.
As for your question about how you should pass, I can see arguments for both perspectives. So here is my perspective: Determine which is best for your body type! Some of us have more endowed backsides that could wind up bumping guests in the row in front if we did the face-the-back approach, whereas, theoretically, there should be some amount of space between the passer and the seated guest if facing the stage to allow our caboose the freedom to pass without offending. Similarly, some of us have larger bosoms or bellies and may want to be mindful of the same as previously stated and, therefore, may want to pass facing the back.
All-in-all, it is an awkward situation that we have all faced at one time. Utilizing the grace of manners by politely whispering, “Excuse me,” or, “Pardon me,” and, “Thank you,” should ease the discomfort of the situation in addition to being considerate about how your own body would best pass by with the least amount of disruption.
Callie Athey is 20-something, Lillie-Beth Brinkman is in her 40s, and social columnist Helen Ford Wallace is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.