Dishing it out
QUESTION: Here is something I struggle with every year. In my family, I seem to be the one who always has everyone over to my house even though my house is the smallest of all. But the real issue is, I have too many people who have different lifestyles.
• One can only eat fish or chicken, no seeds, no potatoes and nothing fried for medical reasons.
• One only eats “raw” foods — nuts, berries, etc.
• One is vegan. Is that the one that eats no meat, no butter, no eggs? Nothing that came from a living object.
• A few will not eat veggies.
• One grown woman who prefers chips and junk.
• A couple like green beans, but nothing else.
• Some like only broccoli.
• One likes real spicy food only.
Every year I try hard to make this work and end up with massive amounts of leftovers, because I can’t gauge how much or who will like what. And have some people decide just not to eat. I know I don’t have to do this and I get
mad I put so much in to it. I am a planner and I am OCD and I like perfection.
How did life get so picky and people forget to just be grateful to have food at all? The medical reason is not an issue to me; I accommodate even if it is just for her. I thought of potluck but that is so much chaos in my very small home.
I know I can’t be the only one; maybe this will help you.
CALLIE’S ANSWER: It is never rude to ask someone to host this year. Maybe see if anyone is willing to take over for you this year? That will help with stress. ALSO, maybe see if the new host can host a potluck. Those are really fun!
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: You certainly have a complicated holiday menu. First, since you can only control what you do and not what others do, you probably need to give up some of your perfectionism. (And I say this as someone who is one and understands it well.) Let some of the people bring side dishes they’ll eat, especially those that have a specific diet, like vegan, that you might not regularly serve. People enjoy sharing their favorite dishes with others, and it might be a new tradition. (As for the person, who only eats chips, have some in the back, or serve a chip and dip appetizer.) On the flip side, it is unfortunate that you have so many people who are just picky. For those guests, it would be nice to have them enjoy the dishes they want, skip the ones they don’t, stay quiet about which dishes are which to them and be thankful everyone is together. If you don’t cry “uncle” and tell them you can only accommodate necessary requests or if you don’t want them to bring their own dishes, then have someone else offer to host it.
HELEN’S ANSWER: Wow! You are really, really sweet to provide all that different food for your party guests. Maybe you could ask everyone to bring one dish reflecting what they like to eat. Tell them ahead of time exactly what you will be providing: maybe the main course of meat, a salad or two or dessert. You can put your perfection tendencies to work in making your dishes the very best recipes ever! The holidays are supposed to be fun. Enjoy!
GUEST’S ANSWER: Yvette
Walker, assistant dean/ethics professor, Gaylord College,
University of Oklahoma: You seem to have a heart full of gratitude and compassion because you are trying to make everyone feel at home and comforted with a nice family meal. However, you’re causing yourself a world of stress, and it’s not necessary.
Simply ask everyone who needs a special meal to BYOM (Bring Your Own Meal). You provide the entree and traditional fixings but welcome everyone else’s special foods. Serve their items on your own platters. It will be as homey as if you had prepared everything yourself. Happy holidays!
Callie Athey is 20-something, Lillie-Beth Brinkman is in her 40s, and social columnist Helen Ford Wallace is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.