Man vacillates over inviting late wife’s mom to wedding

DEAR ABBY: My wife passed away two years ago at age 40 after a long bout with cancer. We had three children, ages 7 to 12. I am 44 and engaged now to a wonderful woman. We are planning to have a small wedding with fewer than 50 guests.

While the kids and I are doing well, my late wife’s mother, “Karen,” is still grieving. She has a forceful personality and can be quite pushy. She lives nearby.

We have not finalized the arrangements or sent out invitations. Karen has been asking if she and my former fatherin-law are invited, but we haven’t answered her yet. She says she’s hurt because she feels we don’t want her there.

Is it proper etiquette to invite the parents of a deceased spouse to a remarriage? The only people she would know aside from us would be my parents, who need to bond with my fiancee’s family who are coming from out of town. The kids seem to not care either way. If it were me, I’d feel awkward being there. Help!

— Looking to the Future in

Illinois DEAR LOOKING: Although your late wife is gone, her parents are still your children’s grandparents and therefore should be treated as part of your family. While you might feel awkward if you were in their position, consider how hurt they will be if they are not included on the guest list. The decision whether to attend should be theirs to make.

Welcome them and treat them with kindness. A wife can be “replaced,” but a daughter cannot, which is why Karen is still grieving even though you have gone on with your life.