‘Mad isn’t bad,’ it’s normal — tell your children

Everyone gets angry. It is a normal emotion. We get angry at events and circumstances, people we do not like and people we do like, and especially at people we love.

We are taught anger is bad. It is not. Some religions teach anger is a sin. It is not. Children are taught to avoid having it because it is “not nice.”

However, under anger is always a wound. Something hurt. Your body sends a surge of anger that is meant to get your attention so you can protect yourself.

People who have the most trouble in relationships are those who hide their anger, sometimes even from themselves. Hidden anger does the most damage because being out of touch with it means it will be expressed in inappropriate ways.

Some behaviors that may indicate hidden, unexpressed anger are procrastination, habitual tardiness, sadistic humor, sarcasm, cynicism, frequent sighing, over-politeness, constant cheerfulness, smiling while hurting.

Common body signals are clamming up, drumming with fingers, foot tapping, laughing when nothing amusing is happening, stroking the back of the head, tucking a thumb inside a fist, suddenly refusing eye contact with another person, apologizing when none is asked for, and a rise in the voice pitch.

It is important to understand the anger belongs to you. Someone else may have said or done something that pushed your button, but the button is yours.

Anger demands expression. Recognize it. Own it. Choose how, when and where you will express it. The goal is to do so in a way that does not hurt yourself or others or destroy property.

If you are an adult whose anger hurts others, be wise enough to understand you never learned how to express anger appropriately, and get some help. Your children are watching and learning from you.

A helpful book for children is “Mad Isn’t Bad,” by Michaelene Mundy.

Charlotte Lankard is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. Contact her at clankard@ oklahoman.com.