Cheater wrestles with owning up to infidelity
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife for 10 years. We have two beautiful daughters and have always had a great relationship. Last month I was invited to go on a trip overseas and was hesitant about asking my wife. Once I did, she immediately said yes and told me to have a good time on the trip. She recently chose a career in the military and is away from home now.
While I was in Europe, I had three affairs and, at the time, enjoyed them. But Abby, this is not the man I am! I always maintained that I’d never, ever do something like that, and I’m still in shock that I did. My excuse at the time was that I was used to having a woman around me, and that I was compensating for my wife’s absence. While that’s no excuse, I have been dealing with my guilt by shedding tears because I love my wife so much.
Should I tell her what I did? I know it will never happen again, and I don’t want her to resent me. Some people have told me not to say anything, while others say I should. What should I do?
— Hurting Husband DEAR HURTING HUSBAND:
I don’t know how many people you have confided in about this besides me, but the larger the number, the greater the chances are of word getting back to your wife about what happened in Europe.
Because what happens in Europe doesn’t always stay in Europe, unlike Las Vegas, the first thing you should do is be tested for STDs to guarantee you didn’t bring an unwanted “souvenir” home with you. Justify it however you may wish, but what you did in Europe was a moral failure.
Because of her military career, your wife may have to be absent for various periods of time. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and she had numerous affairs while she was gone? It may be time for both of you to recommit to each other if your marriage is to survive. And the place to start is to be honest with each other, but not while your wife is deployed.
DEAR ABBY: My husband’s 45-year-old sister-in-law recently got a boob job. She’s a professional woman who used to be very conservative. Now she comes to family dinners wearing clingy low-cut shirts that leave little to the imagination. (Once she almost fell into the paella.) My husband, teenage sons and I are uncomfortable. Does she want us to comment on them? She clearly wants them noticed, based on her attire. I’d ask her to cover up, but is that appropriate? She is very easily offended. If I do, it will likely be our last conversation.
— Embarrassed in Montana DEAR EMBARRASSED: When she’s coming for dinner, crank the thermostat way down. And if she indicates that she’s chilly, offer her a sweater. Problem solved.
Contact Dear Abby at www. DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
UNIVERSAL UCLICK
Mortimer Adler, a philosopher, educator and author who died in 2001, said, “All genuine learning is active, not passive. It involves the use of the mind, not just the memory. It is a process of discovery, in which the student is the main agent, not the teacher.”
In bridge, the defenders should be either active or passive. When active, they are positively trying to establish and win tricks. When passive, they sit back and wait for the declarer to drop tricks into their laps.
How should West view today’s deal? At trick one against four spades, should he lead an active heart two, or a passive diamond eight, club nine or spade four?
South opened with a textbook vulnerable weak two-bid, showing a respectable six-card suit and some 6-10 high-card points. North took a shot at game.
In most deals, it pays to defend actively. If you sit back and let declarer control his own fate, he will make his contract far more often than not. So, here, West should lead the heart two. East wins with his ace and returns the heart three, his original fourth-highest (and lowest from a remaining odd number of cards). West takes two more tricks in the suit; then, eventually, East gains a trump trick to defeat the contract.
After, say, a diamond lead, probably declarer would take the trick, cash the club ace and revert to diamonds, discarding a heart from his hand. East ruffs the third diamond, but South overruffs, trumps a club on the board and plays another diamond, ruffed and overruffed. A second club ruff followed by a further diamond allows declarer to hold his losers to one spade and two hearts.