Past abuse undermines wife’s new marriage
DEAR ABBY: I’m 42 years old and in my second marriage. My first husband was very abusive. My second loves me, respects me, defends me and has brought out the best in me. But I don’t feel like I do the same for him.
Things will get good in our relationship, and then I will lose perspective again, which causes conflict. How do I fix that? How do I find it again, and the sex drive I have lost? I’m so happy. He makes me just glow at times.
— Trying to Find Myself DEAR TRYING: The best place to find your perspective would be on the couch of a licensed mental health therapist. It appears you may have brought the baggage from your first marriage into this one. It’s not unusual for people who have been in abusive relationships to have emotional scars. Find someone you are comfortable confiding in.
DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend I met at work three years ago. She’s AfricanAmerican. We have lunch or coffee almost weekly. She always arrives late for our get-togethers, but lately it’s become too much. She has made me wait 40 minutes to an hour rather than the usual 10 to 20 minutes. When I show my frustration, she says she is on BPT (Black People Time). I have tried adopting her lifestyle of being late, but it makes me anxious because I am a very prompt person. I have heard comedians talk about BPT, but I know not all black people do this because I work with others who are considerate of other people’s time. Any suggestions?
— Lady in Waiting DEAR LADY IN WAITING: What your friend is doing is showing a lack of respect not only for your time but also for your feelings. The next time you arrange to see her, warn her that in the future you will wait no more than 15 minutes, and if she doesn’t show up, you will leave. Then do it. If seeing you is important to her, she’ll manage to get there. If not, you will know you need to make arrangements with other friends for coffee and lunch.
DEAR ABBY: I am a funeral director by trade, but a couple of years ago one of my good friends asked me to officiate at his wedding. I was happy to do it, and I have since been asked by several other friends to perform their wedding ceremonies, too. I did three last year and have two scheduled for this year.
I am always happy to help, and I don’t charge an honorarium. My question is: Am I required to give the couple a gift? I’d like to do what is appropriate. — Marrying & Burying
in California DEAR M&B: No rule of etiquette requires you to give the couple a gift in addition to the services you are performing for free. If you would LIKE to give them something in addition, by all means do, but it shouldn’t be expected.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com.
UNIVERSAL UCLICK
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “A woman is like a tea bag -- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.”
In the last two columns, we have looked at deals in which Dennis Spooner, who was a scriptwriter from London, ran cold (playing in two diamonds redoubled in a 0-0 fit!) and very hot (making three no-trump doubled with seven points opposite eight). This deal came hard on the heels of the previous one.
Spooner held the South hand. West surprisingly opened three clubs (not one club), North overcalled three spades, and East doubled for penalty. What happened after that?
Spooner always put a bridge reference into his scripts. In a “Jason King” episode, the bad guys were two Italians, Belladonna and Garozzo. (The eponymous bridge players have 29 world titles between them.) In a car chase at the end, the Italians lose control, go down a steep hillside, and their car bursts into flames. Jason King pulls up to look at the conflagration. Eventually the police arrive and ask what happened. King said, “Belladonna and Garozzo just went down.”
Spooner did not fancy three spades doubled, although it would have made. He ran to four diamonds. Then North shocked him -- she jumped straight to seven diamonds! East doubled that as well.
North tabled her hand with the comment, “I must have the right cards.”
Spooner ruffed the spade lead, played a diamond to dummy’s queen, cashed the diamond ace, ruffed a spade, played a heart to the king, ruffed another spade and claimed because dummy was high.