Parents support group offers ‘help and hope’
Having a chemically addicted child is gut wrenching, by all accounts.
Just ask Ann and Hugh Benson, who like many, found themselves and their child on a path they never thought they would take.
Much like grief, the experience of addiction takes on phases ranging from denial to shame and insolation.
“When we start to see issues in our children, we go into denial mode,” said Ann Benson, a board member of the Norman chapter of Parents Helping Parents. “It’s very confusing as a parent — is this just a part of their growing into teenagers and adulthood, or is this a sign of a problem? When we get to the point where things are no longer deniable … we withdraw into shame mode where we feel more like this is a reflection of our parental failure.”
Unfortunately, that feeling of shame keeps many parents from seeking help.
Parents Helping Parents is an organization designed to help mothers and fathers come out of the shadows and connect with others who are going through the same thing, Executive Director Becky O’Dell said.
“We’re there for parents who have children who are struggling with chemical addiction of any age,” O’Dell said. “And we’re there with resources, with hugs, with whatever they need to make the right choices and to take care of themselves. The most important thing is helping them take care of themselves because they can’t help their children until they help themselves.”
Parents Helping Parents was established in 2001 by Edmond parents Pat and Vickie Nichols who wanted to help other parents who were overwhelmed by substance
abuse in their children.
The organization primarily is operated by volunteers and meetings and materials are free. Chapters have been established in Edmond, Norman and Enid and O’Dell said the groups are coming together in Tulsa, Shawnee and elsewhere.
Parents Helping Parents is affiliated with the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids, which also offers free peer coaching through a phone-based network across Oklahoma.
“Sometimes I think the most important thing we do is we give parents a hug,” said Hugh Benson, who serves on the board of Parents Helping Parents Inc. “It’s important for all of us to know that we’re good parents with good kids who have a disease, and we need help.”
And it’s that message that parents like the Bensons hope to convey to their neighbors, friends and communities.
“When it transcends into full-blown addiction, that’s a chronic brain disease,” Ann Benson said. “If our child had cancer or diabetes or any other life-threatening condition, we wouldn’t be thinking ‘We got this. We’ll contain this.’ We’d be reaching out for the best help. Our neighbors would be bringing us casseroles and supporting what we’re going through. None of that happens with addiction. We need to have this conversation in an open way, not in a cloak of shame.”
And alienation from outside of the family only compounds the problem, Hugh Benson said.
“Just recognizing that this is a disease and not a moral failing is a way to help,” he said. “There’s also awareness, both being aware of the issue and being aware of how parents are dealing with this,
how kids are dealing with this. Give a parent a hug, bring them a casserole, instead of saying, ‘I don’t want my kids hanging out with your kids.’ ”
In the end, challenges, no matter how traumatic, can be vehicles for growth. Having weathered the difficulties of their child’s addiction, the Bensons say they have found new purpose in helping others.
“When we first found out about Parents Helping Parents, we weren’t brave enough to join. It took a long time,” Ann Benson said.
“When the day came that we were brave enough to make that next step to actually connect, it was truly the day that I feel our lives started moving forward again in a productive way,” she said. “We feel very passionate about this because we saw the difference it made in our own lives. No one should go through shame and isolation when there’s help and hope.”