Basketball? More like basket-brawl in the West

The past few days of free agency in the Western Conference reminded me of the fight scene in “Anchorman.”

You remember the classic bit in the Will Ferrell comedy when Ron Burgundy and his Channel 4 news team find themselves faceto-face with their biggest rival news team. The bicycle-riding bunch lead by Vince Vaughn’s character Wes Mantooth wants to rumble — they’ve brought chains, a switchblade and what looks to be a barbecuing fork — and Ron Burgundy’s crew is armed and ready.

“All right,” Mantooth says, “let’s do this.”

But before anyone strikes a blow, the news team from the third-rated station shows up.

Then comes the public news team.

Then the Spanish-language news team.

Before you know it, everyone is engaged in an all-out brawl complete with guys on horseback, a man on fire and someone getting speared with a trident.

It’s pretty much the same level of mayhem and madness that we can expect in the Western Conference next season.

A week ago, the only forsure contender in conference was Golden State. But then Chris Paul decided to re-sign with Houston, Paul George shocked the world by choosing to stay in Oklahoma City, and LeBron James pulled the trigger on a move to the Los Angeles Lakers. And then to make sure they weren’t upstaged or something, the Warriors did the most Warrior of things and added DeMarcus Cousins.

Suddenly, the West looks like the “Anchorman” brawl.

Now, I’ll be the first to say that I’m not as enamored with the Lakers as, say, the Vegas oddsmakers. Only a few hours after LeBron announced his move to La La Land, they had given the Lakers NBA title odds second only to the Warriors.

I don’t see it. As of now, these Lakers look a lot like the Cavalier roster that hastened LeBron’s departure from Cleveland. Lonzo Ball and Brandon Ingram show promise, but they’re no where close to being superstars. Same for Kyle Kuzma and Luol Deng, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope and Rajon Rondo.

Right now, it’s LeBron and a bunch of guys.

Same as it was in Cleveland.

That could change, of course. The Lakers have been in desperate pursuit of Kawhi Leonard, but maybe that deal gets done and maybe it doesn’t. The Spurs are under no obligation to help the Lakers build a super team. But without another superstar, it’s hard to see LeBron and this collection of Lakers winning a title — and that’s coming from someone who routinely marvels at the way LeBron elevates the players around him.

Trouble now is that he’ll be trying to do that in the West instead of the East. The slog through 82 games is going to be way tougher, and the gauntlet through the playoffs is going to start in Round 1 instead of the conference finals.

Of course, that’s the case for every team in the West.

If Sam Presti really wants to do another blockbuster deal, he’ll figure out a way to trade conference affiliations with a team in the East. Not saying it’s going to be a cakewalk there — Boston and Philadelphia are really good — but even the Celtics and Sixers might be a year or more away from being true challengers for the title.

The West has heavyweights ready to throw some roundhouses.

The Warriors and Lakers will play four times next season. Each of those two teams will play the Rockets and the Thunder three or four times depending on how the scheduling shakes out. And then there’s Portland, Utah, New Orleans, San Antonio and Minnesota, all of whom were playoff teams in the Western Conference a year ago.

Darn near every night is going to have a marquee matchup.

What fun for fans. Teams might not see getting socked in the gut repeatedly as anything amusing. They’d better come armed for a street brawl every night. They’ll need to be locked in from start to finish. They’ll have to execute on both ends of the floor.

Or they risk taking a trident to the chest.

Back in the office after the “Anchorman” brawl is dispersed by police, Ron Burgundy sits at his desk holding a beer in one hand. He stares wide-eyed, then takes and exhales a deep breath.

“Boy,” he says, shaking his head, “that escalated quickly.”

After only a day of free agency, everyone in the Western Conference feels exactly the same way.