Back to the chapel
QUESTION: A friend’s son had a huge storybook wedding the first time around. The bride’s family paid a lot of money for it, and the groom’s family did its financial part. The marriage ended in divorce 15 years later. Now the son, who is in his early 40s, meets a wonderful girl who is the only daughter in her family. At 35, she has never been married. Her family understandably wants a very nice wedding for her (and most likely will pay for it). Who should pay for the groom’s part the second time around i.e. rehearsal dinner and all the other incidental payments that are traditionally his family’s responsibility? Groom has a very good job as does the bride.
Groom’s family does not want to come off cheap in the eyes of bride’s family or in the eyes of their son, but they wonder about protocol and want to be ready with a logical answer when the discussion comes up. Groom’s parents have read some articles that say if the groom’s family wants to pay their part for the second marriage there is nothing wrong with that, but, really? When does this end? Groom’s family would rather put the money towards their grandchildren’s education than fund a second marriage.
Shouldn’t the groom be totally on his own in this scenario and let the bride’s parents pay whatever they want?
CALLIE’S ANSWER: To me, this is a conversation between the groom and his parents. If the parents would rather spend the money on the grandchildren then, that’s that!
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER:
I don’t think this is an etiquette question as much as it is a preference and a family matter. The groom’s family needs to address this with the groom. Gifts, including financial ones, should be given with no strings attached. The giver can express a preference, but making this an either/or situation (either the grandkids or the new wife) holds everyone hostage, including the grandchildren. The two are not equal. The groom’s parents, if they want to provide money for educating their grandchildren, should give money for educating their grandchildren. If they want to be part of the wedding festivities, then they should be part of the wedding festivities. If they are making a big stand because of the wedding 15 years ago, then they’re going to alienate the new bride. Perhaps the best way to handle it is to talk to their son and say they’re not up for paying for a big rehearsal dinner again but want to be involved and supportive in other ways. I think it’s fine to decline to pay for a big rehearsal but keep the reasons out of it — leave the first marriage in the past.
HELEN’S ANSWER: Itisa lovely gift when parents pay for a wedding and in this case for their daughter who is to be married for the first time. The groom’s parents are not obligated to pay again for the rehearsal dinner, particularly since their son has the financial means to fund it.
If they can afford it and want to, they can give a monetary gift to the couple who can use it however they choose. Also, they can host the rehearsal dinner or give the money to the grandchildren’s education. It is definitely their choice, and it would be lovely and kind for them to help in any way possible.
The parents should be in contact with their son and his bride-to-be and enjoy making plans with them and be a part of their life and wedding.
GUEST’S ANSWER: Chuck Ainsworth, civic leader and president of Ainsworth Co.: The bride should have the wedding that she and her family have dreamed of, choosing style and budget.
As for the groom’s obligations, a 40-plusyear-old man should assume his own financial responsibilities. He should entertain guests for the rehearsal dinner, or a more simple party, in a manner that is acceptable to both bride and groom. This could be a very casual affair rather than a more formal setting (usually the casual parties are more fun). Avoid financial stress at the start of the marriage. Hopefully the couple has a clear understanding of their financial future.
How the groom’s parents allocate any funds, both now and later, should be strictly their decision.
Best wishes to the bride and congratulations to the groom. May they have many happy years together and consider: “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”