Don't let cats rub you the wrong way
Thirteen years in, I've about figured out how to be an indoor-cat person.
Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. Maybe it's a good start. But surely, 13 years is enough experience for me to offer some counsel, as the “owner” of two black cats, Ice-T and Eames, and a motley tabby the vet declared was “as common as dirt,” Sir Linus (Waylon) “Boy Boy” of Advent.
Dear new indoor-cat person:
You are not ready for some of the expensive pet-friendly furnishings mentioned in the feature story from The Washington Post in this section. That stuff is for true believers who have undergone the highest levels of thought reform. And who have money to burn, or an open feline of credit.
In the meantime, get used to a few things:
One. You're in a cult now. On a hunch, I just checked, and the triumvirate of Ice-T, Eames and Sir Linus exhibit seven of the 10 traits of a potentially unsafe group or leader, according to the Cult Education Institute in Trenton, New Jersey.
• “Absolute authoritarianism without meaningful accountability.”
• “No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry.”
• “No meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget.”
• “Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions.”
• “There are records, books, news articles, or television programs that document the abuses of the group/ leader.”
• “Followers feel they can never be `good enough.' ”
• “The group/leader is always right.”
Two, as a new cat person, be preparing for how to replace, or make do without, your present non-cat-specific furniture after the sweet little keekees take it over.
Eames, 11, owns a back bedroom. She lets Ice-T, 13, in at her discretion. Sir Linus, 3, is felis silvestris catus non grata. The nerve of the lad to try to woo a mature woman like Eames!
My nightstand is now a heavy-duty cat bridge Eames uses to get from the bed, which she lets me occupy at night, to the window, to stalk the pretty birdies. Nothing on it is secure — not the lamp, iPhone, Bible, glasses or even a cement block if I had one there. She is wee but mighty.
Eames also has converted two chair backs — on my recliner and office chair — into perches for close monitoring of my TV viewing and scrutiny of my work habits.
Eames takes possession of all freshly dried laundry unless put away immediately. It irritates me to no — aww, how cute!
Ice-T has owned a lovely red leather couch since the day we brought it in, beautiful and thenunscathed, 10 years ago. We got used to it. You will get used to it.
Ice-T, the old man, has surrendered a lot to Sir Linus, the devilmay-care youngster, but his throne remains the top perch on the cat tree by the best window for morning sun. He will fight to defend it and is suspicious of all comers not bringing food.
Sir Linus thinks he owns the house and everything in it — except for the mystery room with the mystery older woman kitty, Eames, who hardly ever comes out.
A friend told me once that he had a cat that spent years, after some cat trauma, living in one room of a house. I didn't believe it. Dear new indoorcat person, it's true. Eames holds Sir Linus in utter contempt and has been mostly happy in a separate room for nearly three years now. Cats who are not litter mates, or close, do not often mix well. We got lucky with Eames and Ice-T: They think they're kin.
Finally, new indoorcat person, you may have heard that cats are “territorial.”
That means they let you live in their territory. We got used to it. You will get used to it.