Wedding decisions depend on who's paying

QUESTION: We changed our wedding plans to a much smaller wedding venue and now do not plan to include many of our extended family when we get married next year. My parents are not happy that their own brothers and sisters and their families (my aunts, uncles and cousins) will no longer be invited and are having a hard time letting that go. Our wedding is only large enough to include immediate family members and a few friends. My fiance and I are not that close to our cousins anyway, and I don't think they would expect to be included. Also, we rarely see our aunts and uncles, although my parents do. How can I handle this? Do I need to cut my guest list of close friends to include them? Do I need to make them feel included another way?

CALLIE'S ANSWER: Well, are your parents paying for your wedding? If so, I believe you should invite who your parents want. Could you have both, if there are only a few friends? You could invite them to the rehearsal dinner or have a dinner party at a later date to celebrate.

LILLIE-BETH'S ANSWER: With the pandemic, I think people are wise for cutting wedding guest lists short, and people are understanding. Gatherings, especially large ones, are risky and contribute to the spread of COVID-19. But in any case, I understand why your parents would want to include their siblings in the festivities. If they are paying for the wedding, then it's probably wise to compromise on your guest list some, especially to include your aunts and uncles — the family members your own parents grew up with. If you are paying for the wedding, can you work with your parents to include them in another way, perhaps with a separate party? People want to celebrate you, and your parents want to share your joy with the family members they are close to, as well. After all, your fiance is joining your family, which includes your aunts and uncles and vice versa. You don't have to bend over backwards to accommodate everyone for a small wedding, such as your cousins, but maybe you can figure out some smaller ways to include family members.

HELEN'S ANSWER: If there is only room for a small amount of people at the wedding and reception, then hopefully you and your parents can agree on who they are. If you and your fiance and your parents are sharing expenses, maybe you each get to invite a certain number of people. If you are paying for the wedding yourself, then go ahead with your guest list. If they are paying for the wedding, they should have

their say in who comes. Also, there are other ways to include family members. Maybe a celebration party after the wedding could include all of the bride's and groom's relatives.

GUEST'S ANSWER: Judy Lehmbeck, Judy Lehmbeck Bridal and Party: I think the first thing I would ask is who is paying for the wedding. If your parents are helping to foot the bill, I think their wishes should be respected. If you two are using your own money, I think the two of you can do what you want. Keep in mind that in this time of pandemic, there will be a lot of regrets to your wedding. That being said, keep in mind that this is your family, and family is very important. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

Since 2009 Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth, 40-plus and Helen, 60-plus.